Because one of you suggested via Robbi’s Skribit feed that she draw an illustration of a child riding a buffalo, she decided to do just that–in spite of her preferences, judgment, and aesthetic sensibilities. Here you go.

It’s not that she’s displeased by the result, but that, looking at it, she cannot understand it. Why is that child so happy? Why is he wearing a cape? Why is the buffalo so staid and underwhelmed? Is he purposefully trying to thwart the child’s glee? Or is he actually thrilled but lacks the facial muscles to show it? Why did Robbi name this illustration Bucking Buffalo? Was it meant to be ironic? Is there room for irony in illustrations like this one?

I know. It’s Monday morning. You’re not ready for such taxing thought. And neither are we. But this auction ends in less than five hours, and I am six days overdue in posting about it.

Here’s the link. Make good use of what little time you have left. Did that sound dire? Good. Sometimes obtaining an illustration can be a matter of life and, well, a different life.

I can’t help but notice nobody has leapt at the chance to own “Ground Squirrels Abhor a Vacuum”. I’d like to think this is because of Matthew’s particularly weird description, but given the abject failure of the Cross-Eyed Zebra t-shirt project, I’m starting to think that I just have bad taste.

That being said, you can all rest assured that next week’s auction will have something sickeningly cute to offer. I have been perusing the prompts and it seems the most popular suggestion, being followed by 21 people, is “Child Riding a Buffalo.” It was definitely my least favorite of the suggestions (sorry, Anonymous), mostly because I have lately come to realize that I stink at drawing children (over the weekend I was working on illustrations for an article about Baltimore public schools and after days of sketching children-sized-people-who-somehow-look-like-haggard-old-men I decided that the bright and sunny naiveté of childhood just doesn’t flow willingly from my pen). So I totally shot down the “Child Riding Buffalo” suggestion. Matthew suggested I draw a fat and ugly child riding a fat and ugly buffalo, just to spite Anonymous, but I’m going to face this challenge.

Child riding a buffalo it is.

Here’s my first attempt:

Cute, eh?

In other news, we have also been working on a project that we thought we were going to broadcast on Twitter. And so we got a bunch of you to sign up for Twitter. And then we totally dropped the ball, because this whole social media thing is exhausting. That being said, don’t dump your accounts yet, it might still happen.

The idea is we are going to do an Idiots’Books version of those daily affirmation calendars, except ours is called “Daily Affirmations for Realists”. I suppose we could call it “Daily Affirmations for Idiots” but not everyone embraces the Idiots moniker as enthusiastically as we. Matthew has written up a bunch, and I started illustrating them. But – when we sent them to our agent, she thought the idea might have legs, so asked us not to put them all out into the ether before she gives them a shot in the legit publishing world.

But to give you a sneak peak -since we like you and since you’ve bothered to come here at all – here are some of our favorites:

Our agent sent these and 30 more out to various publishers today. We’ll see if they reject them as soundly as graduate schools rejected Matthew.

If they do, all you folks who signed up to follow us on Twitter can rejoice. And you can keep me company in my rejection.

So, I was up til 4:30 working on today’s auction item. Sometimes things turn out, and sometimes they really just don’t. Last night was one of the latters.

I started off really excited about Moby Dick vs. Tiny Tim. But in my head, it was an acrylic painting. And those always take me a really long time. So, I looked through some little pre-stretched canvases I had stockpiled in the corner cabinet and found some mini minis – I think they’re 4″x4″. I figured at that size, a few brush strokes would make up each layer and I could zip zip through it. Well, not so fast. It still takes me a really long time. I started at around 10:30 and figured I’d be done by 1 or so.

Yeah. Not so much – I’m still not done, so it won’t post for auction this week, but hopefully next week I’ll have it done.

Here are some progress shots, if you’re at all interested:

First step is just blocking in the color. I’m not actually a very good acrylic painter (I’m even worse with oils) in part because I’m impatient, but also in part because I don’t actually know what I’m doing. So for all you artists out there, if I’m making egregious errors, this is just the way I do it. I’m happy to get pointers if you have them.

Second step is putting down thin layers of paint to build up my darks:

I always make my underlayers in weird colors that have little relevance to the colors it will actually be when it’s done. Actually, the relevance is that I usually pick something that is complementary to what I think the final is going to be. I was once told that this helps make the final color pop a little more. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but that’s how I do it now. Sometimes I think it works, and other times I think I pretty much just cover it completely up. So who knows.

Third step is pulling up the lights while layering down the darks. When I say “third step” I actually mean “25th step” because there are so many thin layers at this point. And each dark layer that I paint over the whole thing, I have to wait for it to dry, then put on another layer of just the lights. So, at this point, I’ve probably got about 9 or 10 layers built up:

But I’ve still got a long ways to go, I think. I kind of enjoy the tedium, but it’s also good for me to have something to do while I wait for the paint to dry, because otherwise I start back in on it too soon and then things get all lumpy and weird because the paintbrush starts picking up the tacky paint instead of putting the new paint down.

Sorry, this must be dullsville to all you folks who want pictures of babies. You’ll just have to wait till Matthew gets back for all that nonsense.

So, while I was waiting for Moby vs. Tiny to dry, I figured I’d better just knock out a quickie for the auction. The third most popular suggestion in Prompt Robbi was “umbrella hats”. So I gave it a whirl:

NO.

NAH.

I liked this one better, but who wants a drawing of an old hippie with an umbrella hat on? Other than me, of course.

Then I found some correction tape on my desk, and thought maybe I could try something abstract with it.

I found it pretty uninspiring, though it sure was fun to put the correction tape all over everything.

So I went back to the Prompt Robbi suggestion box and found the next most popular item, “Final Flight of the Space Shuttle Program.” I like this one because it is for sure something I would never, ever, EVER think to draw on my own.

I did a little doodle of it

which I liked, what with all the factories and clouds and whatnot. But then I decided that if it really was the “final flight” then it would be fun to suggest that no one was left. Like, that the people had to take their own car and leave it at the launch pad. And then I drew the stupid car too big.

So I had to start all over again. This time I actually checked to see what a space shuttle looks like (not much like a rocket ship at all, it turns out. More like a plane, stuck to a big weiner). The scanner made it look all wrinkly, but in real life you don’t really see those wrinkles. I just didn’t have the energy to try to photoshop it right.

So, that’s it. This week’s auction, “Final Flight.” I hope you like it, after all that rigamarole. Hopefully Moby vs. Tiny will be ready for next week’s auction, but don’t count on it. You might get stuck with one of the sucky umbrella hat illustrations instead.

This post aims to serve two purposes. First, I am happy to present this week’s auction, Nice Guys Finish Third.

Some of you might recognize this unfortunate fellow from our recent post about the Nice Guys Finish Third t-shirt, the t-shirt that could have been. The t-shirt that still might be, if only.

Let’s look at it again, people. Isn’t it magnificent?

As a refresher, we posted last week suggesting that we were trying a new approach to t-shirt design and distribution. Using an honor-based system, we pledged to produce this shirt if only 11 of you would agree in advance to buy it. The proceeds from those 11 sales would enable us to break even. So far, four of you have bought into this unlikely dream. Four of you. It is disheartening to be on the leading edge of a failed movement. It makes us feel like cross-eyed zebras, homely and underachieving.

Still, in a democracy, the citizen gets to vote. We have heard your opinion, and we will live with the results. Unless…

…unless seven of you are freshly inspired and decide that you want a Nice Guys Finish Third t-shirt after all. If you are feeling flush and in need of new threads, just write me an email, and I’ll reserve one for you.

We’ll keep the tally going for a while, refusing to accept defeat in spite of all evidence to the contrary.

Or, if you are perhaps more interested in art that hangs on your wall, this zebra can be yours via this week’s auction. It’s a nice piece. Vintage Robbi.

It’s a portrait of me, I think.

While you ponder that eternal question of whether or not there’s room in your life (and budget) for a cross-eyed zebra, I offer another kind of treat from the animal kingdom.

I took the kids across the bridge yesterday to give Robbi a few free hours to work. She called me on my cell and asked what she should draw for this week’s auction. Knowing how much you readers like cute and fuzzy animals, I suggested that she draw a monkey. Who doesn’t like a monkey? I asked myself, already counting the dollars an illustration of a cute and fuzzy monkey would invariably rake in. No one, not even Robbi, could go wrong when charged with drawing a cute and fuzzy monkey.

Right?

What I did not mention to Robbi was that she should probably not make her monkey illustration a lice-themed affair. If there’s anything that can dampen the cuteness of a monkey, it’s thoughts of fur-based vermin. Next time I will be clearer in my art direction. Next time I will be less trusting in Robbi’s ability to take cute and run with it.

If you are less disgusted than I am, feel free to bid. I’m sure Stop Your Nit-Picking can be had for a song.