Once again it is time to humble myself and reveal the immeasurable gulf between the world as it is and my ability to render it with pen and paper. As is the custom, Robbi sent me the names of four people and I did my best to coax them forth onto the page. You fine people submitted your guesses, and the following is the verdict.

Let’s begin:

Pretty much all of you correctly identified Ronald McDonald, but thankfully the imaginative among you salted the apparently self-evident with a handful of colorful answers that bring just enough intrigue to balance out the boredom. As follows: Ronald of the McDonald family, Ronald Mackey Ro, Mickey D, ’ol Ronald McDonald, Ronald McDonald, aka, the boogeyman, Ronald McDonald Creepster, and Ronald McDonald, but he looks scary, like he’s about to kill somebody.

Notable incorrect guesses included Pennywise the Clown (from “IT”), and Heath Ledger from the Dark Knight.

As for my second attempt:

Every guesser correctly identified the subject of this drawing as an African American man, and all but a handful recognized him as Spike Lee. A few incorrect guesses included Reverend Jesse Jackson, Cornell West, Martin Luther King, Henry Louis Gates, Morgan Freeman, Malcom X, and “Blackmatthew.”

Wait just a moment: Blackmatthew?

Blackmatthew?

I feel compelled to say something here, to make a joke or contribute some commentary, but I am rendered stunned and silent. So I turn to Robbi to see if she is as baffled as I am. Her response, “Hmm…it kind of does look like you.”

And there you have it: me and Spike Lee, separated at birth. Clearly I should be making films instead of making books with Robbi.

And now for my third subject:

In keeping with my inability to draw people of the female persuasion, this drawing yielded the widest range of errant guesses. Although I’m heartened that about half of you correctly identified Angelina Jolie, there were a litany of wrong answers, many of which seemed to fall into the category of generally loathsome or troubled women.

For example, wrong answers included Janice Dickinson, Trashy Sarah Palin without her glasses on, Paris Hilton, Elvira, Jennifer Coolidge, Kiera Knightly, Shania Twain, Pamela Anderson, the blond girl from the B-52s, LaToya Jackson, Lindsay Lohan, a Real Housewife, and One of the Other Million Rich Sass.

Apologies to Shania, who is neither loathsome nor troubled as far as I know. And if you are confused about this “Rich Sass” business, you are not alone. I’m eager to hear what that means, if anyone knows.

Continuing the loathsome/troubled theme, one guesser, who must count him or herself among the therapist profession, suggested, “hmmm…mullet, crazy eyes, stripper outfit: My 3:00 patient?”

One of you who correctly identified Ms. Jolie qualified the guess by adding, “with an uneven boob job.” I must admit that I have so far proven terrible at rendering the female bust—especially when the subject in question is particularly blessed in this department. Along these lines, my very favorite guess in all of Matthew Draws V, though wrong, is “Amy Winehouse having a good hair day but a bad boob day.” Second place goes to “Lopsided boob behive hairdo lady.”

And that brings us to number four:

I am flattered that 100 percent of you correctly identified this fellow as former president Bill Clinton, though this did not keep some of you from indulging in colorful guessing. Thanks to those of you who blessed us with the following: Slick Willie!, Mr. Lewinsky, Hill’s Bill (in perkier, chubbier days), Someone who did not have sex with Monica Lewinsy, Good Old Bill That Horny Goat Clinton, and Sir Red Faced Drinkin’ Fatty Number 42.

Perhaps one of these will be inscribed upon his tomb.

All in all, I must conclude that Robbi needs to offer a stiffer challenge. Given my poor art skills, there were altogether too many correct answers. I think that she has been lobbing me softballs, and I hereby submit that it’s time for me to graduate to the fast pitch league. Not because I think my skill demands it, but because it would make for a more interesting contest.

Keep in mind that if you long to see my depiction of your favorite celebrity, you are welcome to email me. I’m happy to take requests.

Even if that request is that I never try to draw another buxom woman.

I’m sure you’re all relieved that I am back and can properly set up this survey. There were a few noticeable trends in the public-responses-approach of Matthew Draws IV:
1. Fewer people responded.
2. Half of those who responded said, “Yeah, what he said.”
3. There were no hilarious “Toothy Van Shoulder” responses.
So I’m hoping this was all just a matter of format, and not that you are all tiring of this exercise.

That being said, it seems to me that Matthew is actually improving with practice. I have purposely been picking people who have pretty distinctive features. From now on, I’m going to mix things up a bit. He’s just getting too good. That being said, he seems to be a closet misogynist, because holy wow can he draw some ugly dames.

So, without further ado, here you are:

Hello folks,

The time has come to reveal the answers to the most recent installment of Matthew Draws. If you want a refresher before the drum roll, click here.

Unfortunately, there is little mystery this time around. Whether Robbi chose particularly untricky subjects or my drawing prowess has dramatically increased of late (unlikely), most of you had a pretty good idea who I was trying to draw. That, or in light of the particularly public guessing format this time around, most of you are just exceptional cheats. I’ll let the jury remain hung on this one.

So here we go.

All but two of you correctly identified Michael Jackson. The two wrong guesses included Katie Couric (which delights me to no end) and Marcia Cross. Was it the cheekbones that gave him away? I think it was the cheekbones.

Mystery guest number two was slightly more baffling. In addition to several correct guesses of Humphrey Bogart, other offers included John Wayne, Gene Kelley, Frank Sinatra, and the Phantom of the Opera mixed with The Lone Ranger.

Alas, few of you hesitated to identify subject number three as Diana, Princess of Wales. Though several of you suggested that she might be Queen Elizabeth instead. The person who suggested that Diana looked as if she had “a bunch of tattoos” obviously failed to recognize my artful depiction of her lovely lace garment.

My final subject was the least mysterious of all. Every one of you correctly identified jocular filmmaker Michael Moore. I suppose I should be flattered, but instead I find myself feeling hollow inside.

Thanks to those of you who offered speculation as to what offspring might result from the union of Diana and Mr. Moore. Guesses included Pinocchio, Princess Mi, Seth Rogen, the Dinty Moore Mascot, John Cleese, Little Princess Blanket Mike (?), and Idiots’Books subscriber extraordinaire Scott Ellis (who I’m guessing was so implicated on account of his being British).

Thanks, all, for participating. By the time the next installment rolls around, Robbi will be reestablished in her rightful perch on the other side of the studio, and my unpleasant technological shortcomings will be soundly rectified.

It’s high time we returned to everyone’s favorite guessing game. That’s right, version IV of Matthew Draws is ready to delight you. Here’s the hitch. I usually do my drawings and send them to Robbi, who sets up the survey and posts it. I have been struggling for the last half hour to figure out how to add images to the survey–to no avail. Here’s the other thing, Robbi is the brains in this outfit. Without her, we would have no website, our books would look awful, and we would never pay our taxes.

I considered posting the Matthew Draws IV survey with just questions and no images, just to be funny. But then I realized that I would be the only one laughing. And would I even laugh? I decided that I would not. And therefore, you will have to settle for the lowbrow version of Matthew Draws. I’m sorry to disappoint you before we’ve even gotten started.

I’ll post the images and you post your guesses in a comment. The upside of this approach? You will be publicly admired for your correct responses! The downside? You will be publicly castigated for your foolish ones. Those of you who refuse to actually guess and instead submit witty wrong guesses will be able to display your cleverness for all to appreciate. What’s not to like?

Please respond so that I can avoid the wrath of Robbi. I’m sure I’m missing something simple in the survey interface. And I’m sure I’ll hear all about it when she gets back.

There is no one here to do a drumroll (Iggy is unwilling), and so here we go.

#1) Who is this special person?

#2) And this! Who could this be?

#3) Surely you can’t figure out who this is.

4) And rounding out the quartet, who is this?

5) Since Robbi always adds a bonus question, so will I (see above item about avoiding wrath). If #3 and #4 had a baby, who would it be?

I eagerly await your guesses.

It has been more than two weeks now since Robbi posted the third installment of Matthew Draws. My apologies for the long delay. I have no good excuses.

Without delay, here was my first attempt:

This was without a doubt my most successful drawing to date. All but one of you correctly guessed that this handsome fellow is the Dali Lama, one of you even offering his full name: The Dali Lama, Tenzin Gyatso. Know this, overachiever, everyone resents you for knowing too much. The only incorrect answer was “Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid,” for which I have to award some style points, at the least.

Next up:

As successful as my Dali Lama was, this drawing negated all my good drawing Karma. In fact, only two of you correctly guessed that this was David Hasselhoff. Do I blame those seven of you who guessed Will Ferrel? I do not. Nor are the six of you who guessed Julia child wrong for doing so. Other acceptably wrong answers included Donny Osmond, John Travolta, Art Garfunkel, Elton John, Hugh Grant, Janet Reno, John C. Reilly, Mike Brady, Nathan Lane, The Fonz, and Pat from Saturday Night Live.

Here he is, much maligned, but always awesome.

My third drawing was somewhat more successful:

Almost all of you correctly guessed Barbara Streisand, one of you even adding that it was Babs “with nose job.”

Some other wrong but noteworthy guesses include: Christine Baranski, Ann Coulter, Jennifer Aniston, Joan Rivers, Kelly Ripa, Toni Colette, and “I think this lady is a talk show host.” I would like to give a prize to this final response, but unfortunately I can’t.

Someone also guessed Jerry Seinfeld, but I think that person must have been drinking.

Babs in her glory.

And now to the one I would like to forget altogether, the one I would like to sweep under the carpet and pretend never happened.

My problem, I now understand, was starting with the teeth. My second problem was drawing them so badly. Once I was stuck with those awful teeth, this fellow never had a chance. Yes, this is a fellow, a conclusion that less than half of you reached. Again, I cannot blame you. I let you down, and for that I am sorry.

This poor fellow I’ve treated so badly is American snowboarding sensation Shaun White. For the first time in the history of Matthew Draws, none of you guessed correctly, though one of you did get close with, “Marie Osmond, or possibly Shaun White.” This awful drawing yielded the largest number of different wrong answers of any drawing to date. I would bore you to list them all, but my favorites include: Mick Jagger, Joan Rivers (apparently, she looks like everyone), Courtney Love, Rod Stewart, Ally Sheedy, Bette Midler (really?), David Bowie, Meg Ryan (now, that’s just mean), Jane Fonda, Jon Bon Jovi, Marilyn Manson, Steven Tyler, that guy from “Mask: – 80′s Cher movie, and Toothy van Shoulder.

This last guess is my redemption. I am not sorry to have so mangled poor Shaun White’s likeness if it led to the birth of Toothy van Shoulder, a character surely worthy of his own book, or perhaps his own series of books. By the time Toothy gets his due, the world will long have forgotten the meager accomplishments of Shaun White. When that day comes to pass, I’ll draw a picture of Toothy van Shoulder, and my likeness will be so awful that all of you will guess that it’s Shaun White. That’s how things go. I’m just not very good at this.

Too bad for you, I refuse to shrink from my shortcomings. Stay tuned for Matthew Draws IV, to be posted as soon as Robbi can think of four more names. Meaning, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

We hope that you folks aren’t tiring of this game. There isn’t a new Sporcle quiz to point to, so you’re going to have to focus all of your efforts this week on trying to figure out these lovelies. And I think Matthew’s made it a bit more challenging – so challenging, in fact, that he claims he will give a prize to anyone who actually gets all four of these right. I don’t know what the prize is, but I have to say, I gave him the four names last week and I couldn’t even figure out two of them.

In fact, as he was diligently drawing at his desk this evening, he started giggling so uncontrollably that he roused a sleeping baby. This would ordinarily be cause for a smack-down from me, but once he showed me what set him off, I had to admit that the giggles were definitely warranted.

And so, without further ado, here we go:

I know that some of you have grown impatient waiting for the answers to Matthew Draws II, and in truth, I do not blame you. I have been dragging my feet, and why, I cannot say. Perhaps it is due to a full plate or to Alden’s recent discovery of the word “no.” But, in truth, I’m guessing it might have more to do with my reluctance to face the bewilderment and outrage many of you are sure to feel when I reveal the true identities of our unlucky subjects. I fear my pen failed me, or perhaps I failed my pen, in attempting to successfully render a person who many believe to be the hottest babe of all time.

Without further ado:

Here was my first sketch.

15 of you correctly guessed Lyle Lovett, while 13 guessed Conan O’Brien. Some of the more colorful wrong answers included Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, Cosmo Kramer, David Lynch, Harrison Ford, Bedhead Robbi, and “one of the Kennedy men.”

And here’s the photo I worked from.

My second sketch:

I was actually not unhappy with the way this one turned out, and at least a few of you correctly identified the lovely lady above as Dolly Parton, 8 of you, to be exact. I particularly appreciated the extended answer, “Dolly Parton (real sneaky not including those knockers).” Courtney Love was the runner up with 4 votes, followed by Joan Rivers with 3. The long list of other guesses includes Barbara Streisand, Cindy Lauper, Glenn Close (Fatal Attraction), J.K. Rowling, Kathy Griffin, Some Leathery Female, The Joker, and Medusa.

Ouch.

Here is the real live Dolly (sans knockers).

My third sketch is the source of greatest shame.

In spite of the hatchet job I did in attempting to render history’s best-known sexpot, 12 of you correctly guessed that this is Marilyn Monroe. Madonna was the runner-up with 6 votes (one including the following editorial enhancement: Unfit Pre-Yoga Madness Madonna). Other guesses included Barbara Bush, Brigitte Neilson circa Celebrity Rehab, Chesty LaRue, Female Bevis, Lady Gaga, Aileen Wuornos, and Napoleon Dynamite with a Sweet Rack.

Oh Marilyn, how sorry I am. You really were much prettier back in the day.

My final drawing:

That this was my worst drawing is evidenced by the small number of correct guesses. This is, in fact, my attempt to render our nation’s 43rd Commander in Chief. My personal politics notwithstanding, the man deserves to be more ably drawn. But I digress. Four of you correctly identified George W. Bush, while three of you guessed that I had drawn Mr. Rogers. The litany of other wrong answers included such figures as Bob Dole, Brian Williams, Tom Brokaw, Al Gore, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Stewart, Jeeves, Matt Lauer, Johnny Carson, Rodney Dangerfield, Sam Donaldson, Tweedy McTweederson, and Robbi.

Come to think of it, it’s probably a toss-up whether I’ve more gravely offended from-the-grave Marilyn Monroe or my own wife. Is it worth to be mistaken for Aileen Wuornos or George W. Bush? I’d post a poll, but I’m guessing I already know the answer.

Hello Everyone. I’d like to start by thanking those of you who had nice things to say about my (admittedly modest) drawing ability. I have never considered myself much of an artist, and while living with Robbi serves as a daily reminder of my lack of proficiency with a paintbrush, I really did enjoy this first installment of Matthew Draws. From the looks of it, so did many of you.

Without further ado, I’m happy to share the correct answers (as well as a few of my favorite wrong ones.)

Here is the first drawing.

90 percent of you correctly identified my halting lines as George Washington (A few of the more colorful correct answers included, “GDub. Obvs.” and “The Big G Washington”). A few of the incorrect answers for this drawing included: Beethoven, Lincoln, Princess Leia, Thomas Jefferson, Bea Arthur, and Lady Gaga. I’m sure Miss Gaga would be horrified.

Here’s the photo I used for reference:

Here is Lady Gaga.

Come on, people.

Moving on to my second drawing:

Eighty percent of you correctly identified it as Elvis Aaron Presley (and one of you even qualified your guess as “Elvis halfway to being overweight.” James Dean was the most popular runner-up. Other wrong guesses included Adam Lambert, Conan O’Brien, Morrissey, Harry Connic Junior, John Travolta, Kid (of Kid’n'Play), and Sean Penn.

Here is The King in his glory.

Moving on to my third drawing:

This one really threw you for a loop. Only 40 percent of you correctly identified the subject of my drawing as Woody Allen.

Andy Warhol was the next most popular choice (3 of you chose Andy), followed by Bill Gates, Larry King, and Mr. Rogers (who each garnered two votes).

Other wild, wrong guesses included Alan Alda, Stephen Hawking, Bob Newhart (with hair), Carl Sagan, Conan O’Brien, David Brooks, Dominick Dunne, Dwight D. Eisenhower, my dad (John Swanson), Jack Benny, Neil Simon, Noam Chomsky, Roger Ebert, some dude with glasses (hard to dispute that logic), Stephen King, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Tom DeLay, Alan Greenspan, Woody Harrelson. One of you even guessed that it was a self-portrait. (I’m even more offended than Lady Gaga.)

Here’s the photo I copied in trying to render Woody.

And finally, the fourth drawing, which only 30 percent of you correctly identified as Carrot Top.

Several of of the Carrot Top guesses were elaborated on, as follows:

-An angry carrot Top
-A very angry Carrot Top
-Carrot top. I hope it’s Carrot Top
-Carrot Top in Bill Cosby’s sweater
-Carrot Top, or possibly Medusa

If Gaga and I were offended to be mentioned in the earlier guessing, I can only imagine how Robbi must feel to have been the second most frequently cited guess for the Carrot Top drawing. SEVEN of you guessed Robbi for this one, including two of you who qualified your guesses with “mad Robbi,” and “angry Robbi.”

Three of you simply didn’t place a guess, opting for question marks. Two of you thought this was a drawing of Beethoven, and two others thought that it was Sigourney Weaver or the Green Lantern.

One of my favorite wrong answers: “A woman who was recently attacked by dogs,” but I am also fond of “Bride of Frankenstein.”

Others among you thought I was trying to draw Frieda Kahlo, Helena Bonham Carter, Hilary Clinton, Johnny Depp, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga (again, poor woman), Madonna, Marilyn Monroe (more like Marilyn Manson, if you ask me), Medusa, Paula Poundstone, Serena Williams, Susan Boyle, Tina Fey, WTF, and Yo Momma.

And here he is, in all his glory. The one, the only.

All I had to do was draw four sketches, and a veritable universe of possible matches presented themselves. I’m touched that you people find my work so versatile, so richly evocative, so utterly flawed.

Tune in soon for another version of Matthew Draws. If you’d like to suggest someone for me to draw next time, send me an email (though please leave poor Lady Gaga alone).