In a shocking break with tradition, I am going to provide the answers to Matthew Draws 16 without making you wait for weeks and weeks.

So here goes.

I gave you this cheerful fellow.

A number of you guessed Chef Paul Prudhomme, which makes sense, because he looks a great deal like my actual model, Dom DeLuise, which seven of you guessed correctly, to my immense gratification.

Let us pause for a moment so that I may issue a sincere apology to the following person, who I earnestly tried to represent with all the radiance and beauty that flows from her every pore. The result is clear evidence that effort is sometimes insufficient:

No, this was not Steven Tyler, Carrot Top, Kathy Griffith, Joaquin Phoenix, Carol Burnette, Michael Jackson, Richard Simmons, Willem Dafoe wearing a wig. No, my friends, this poor, visually maligned person is none other than Julia Roberts.

I know I did slightly better with the next drawing, because most of you correctly guessed the gender. But this is not Grace Slick, Michelle Obama, Kathy Griffith, Debra Messing, Barbara Streisand, Catherine O’Hara or “a Joan Rivers/Dolly Parton hybrid.”

And it is not, as the placer of my favorite guess of the week suggested, “Reba McEntire(ly missing one iris).”

One of you (thank you, thank you, thank you) correctly guessed that this is…

…the lovely Christina Hendricks.

This poor fellow has far bigger problems than my inability to draw him well. He is not Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno, Jackie Gleason, Howard Cosel, Wayne Brady, or Fat Albert. Nor is it “The guy with the goiter that is in the Guinness Book of World Records”.

Nor is that, as many of you suggested/worried, a “penis on his shoulder.”

No friends, none of you guessed that this is, in fact, Robbi’s least favorite baseball player, the utterly unlikable Alex Rodriguez.

I guess I could have helped you out by attempting to draw the Yankee’s logo on the microphone?

As for the bonus question: If you had to choose one of these people to be your dance partner on Dancing With the Stars, who would it be, and why?

Goiter guy. He’d get the sympathy vote.

I’d have to go with #1. I don’t dance, and he doesn’t look like he does, either, so perhaps we could just sit and drink while watching the other contestants.

Joan Rivahs/Dawly Pahrton hybrid because of breasts.

Wayne Brady…unless he decided I was a ho, in which case he might slap me.

Dom DeLuise is probably my speed. Especially since I believe he’s dead.

Christina Hendricks. Her bosom would distract the judges, and that’s what I need.

Forget these nobodies. I’d rather dance with Robbi. 

Amen to that, I say.

Welcome Back to Matthew Draws!!!

Apparently, we have had this one sitting in the hopper for months and just forgot about it. The exciting thing about this is that I get to guess too! I have no idea who any of these people are! They all look equally not like anyone I’ve ever seen before! How could they possibly be famous?!

Alright. Enough chit-chat. Have a go at it folks – make your guesses below and we’ll report on our findings next week. (It all sounds so scientific – perhaps we will discover a new species! (see drawing #4)).

GO TO IT:

It has been brought to my attention that someone out there is impinging on that precious corner of the blogosphere known as Matthew Draws. I am in full dander and am preparing to call my attorney. As soon as I get an attorney.

The evidence can be found on this site. And below:

I am troubled, and deeply so. Not only are the rascals at letmecolor.com moving in on my territory, but they seem to have missed the three most important aspects of the Matthew Draws phenomenon.

1) Don’t include the subject’s name below the drawing. This makes it a lot less fun to guess!

2) Whatever you do, don’t render the subject with sufficient skill to create a credible likeness. Again, this interferes with the white-knuckled uncertainty and suspense that is Matthew Draws.

3) In the interest of giving participants a fighting chance, pick someone that people have actually heard of!

Barack who?

Once again, I have waited too long to tell you the answers to Matthew Draws, in this case installment XV. This time, I’m not going to apologize. It must be getting old.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

Several of you got this right, which cheers me. Others of you got this wrong. Most of you seemed to recognize that the fellow is bald. Answers ranged from “The guy from Breaking Bad” to Ben Kingsley to Shaquille “Shazam!” O’Neal, to Samuel L. Jackson to Howie Mandel to “a mysteriously bald John Travolta.” One of you simply resorted to despair, saying “I don’t know enough celebrities to play this game.”

As four of you surmised, my subject was Montel Williams, though I’m sure he’d prefer that you hadn’t found a likeness between my drawing and this photo.

Next up, this little treat:

The answers covered more ground this time, which is not surprising, given my consistent struggles with accurate drawings of pretty young things. She is not, I’m afraid, Jen Aniston, Joan Jett, Katie Couric, Lady Gaga, Victoria Beckham, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Kylie Minogue, Nancy Pelosi, Reese Witherspoon, or Meredith Viera. One of you (I suspect it was the despairer from above) mused “Maybe I should start reading People magazine?” To which I say, maybe I should start taking art classes.

Interestingly, three of you guessed Courtney Love, which is not correct, and none of you guessed Hillary Duff, which is.

As if to throw you a bone, I offered this fellow:

This was, I think, the first time every single person correctly identified a “Matthew Draws” drawing. You were so confident in your guesses, in fact, or else so bored by my failure to present an actual challenge, that several of you got cute, as in: “G Dub” Washington, Geo Wash!, Boy George, “the guy from the back of a quarter,” and “A churlish cherry-tree chopper.”

And then, of course, the requisite disaster. There always seems to be one:

This is not Nicole Kidman, Eva Longoria, Alanis Morisette, Ke$ha, Lana Del Ray, Sarah Jessica Parker, Eva Mendez, Amy Winehouse (though I kind of see it), Kristen Stewart, Sandra Bernhard, “poor Lindsay Lohan,” “the butch chick from Facts of Life,” or “someone from American Idol, maybe? Whats-her-face? The whiny, angry one?”

No, friends, this is none other than the sweet and melodic Shanaia Twain, who does not, I’m sure, feel much like a woman after seeing my drawing.

As for Robbi’s bonus question: Which of these people did your mother warn you about when you were little, and why?

Here are my favorite responses. You people are funny.

• George Washington, b/c he was already dead, so if I saw him again I better run.
• George Washington. Haven’t you heard the song? He saves children, but not the British children. Also, he’s 12 stories high and made of radiation. (Cause for alarm.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA
• Walter White. Or, possibly, Montel Williams. Or maybe Howie Mandel? “”Tis easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a camel than for a bald man to enter the kingdom of heaven,” Mom always said.
• V-neck goatee sweater man, because he makes me want to talk about my feelings about my mother.
• George Washington, cherry tree
• Courtney Love, because she’s batshit crazy.
• Kristen Stewart. Shen she warned me not to make out in parked cars.
• Well, anyone whose head rests at that angle is a little suspicious. But perhaps my mother would have simply had me take the poor girl to a chiropractor.
• Posh Spice eats babies.

I had no idea about Posh. I thank you for warning me. As a devoted Spice Girls fan, I will probably not be able to stop listening to their music, but I may rethink my long-held dream to see one of their concerts.

As always, people, thanks for participating in Matthew Draws. More to come when the spirit moves me.

Hello all. I write knowing that some of you are seething from the long interval between my posting these drawings and this, the exciting revelation of your incorrect answers.

And so to agitate you no more than I already have, I will dispense with further preamble and get right to the business at hand.

I gave you this little treat.

Notable errant guesses included Hilary Clinton, Glenn Close, Michelle Bachmann, Ann Romney, J.K. Rowling, Cyndi Lauper, Cate Blanchett, Meredith Viera, Michael Jackson, and “Ol’ Whats-his-face from “Kung Fu: the Legend Continues.”

I’m pleased that six of you correctly identified Meryl Streep, though one of you couldn’t resist suggesting that my drawing made her look “tired.”

Guesses for this fellow had a decidedly political bent.

Noble, but wrong, bids included Rick Santorum, Paul Ryan, David Gregory, Stephen Colbert, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Jim Bob Duggar, Paul Ryan, Tony Robbins, George Stephanopoulos, Matt Lauer, Mitt Romney, “generic newscaster,” “a skinny John Madden,” and “some sort of British royalty…”

As it turns out, this final guess was the closest. One among you correctly identified this toothy chap as Prince William.

As for this sweet little flower…

Several of you guessed Sara Jessica Parker, while several others insisted that this was Snookie.

Others ventured J. Lo, Helen Mirren, Amy Winehouse, Beyonce, and Shakira.

But five of you correctly guessed the one and only Kim Kardashian.

For the final challenge, I gave you this disaster of a drawing.

He is not, as you suggested, Tim Robbins, Beau Bridges, Rip Torn, Bill Murray, Russell Crowe, Ronald Reagan, Bono, Howard Dean, Walter Matthau, Mel Gibson, “Sylvester Stallone trying to be a politician,” or “someone from a Cohen Brothers movie.”

One of you, somehow, improbably, and probably by hooking up sensors to my skull while I slept and reading my brainwaves, correctly guessed that my model was none other than Charlie Sheen.

Fortunately, that person got the other three wrong, so we won’t have to turn over the deed to our barn just yet.

As for the bonus question, we asked:

If any of these people were to play a doctor on TV, who should it be, and why?

Here are a few of my favorite responses.

• Rick Santorum, because he looks like he uses a lot of mouthwash. Good breath is important for bedside manner.
• Snooki. She could play a rehab doctor
• #4: Because he looks like he has just come out of the operating room after a very long, first-ever-in-the-world medical miracle…Tune in next week and see if Sally and Omar will be rescued from the cave.
• J.K. Rowlling, because all doctors should have British accents. : )
• Number 1. she looks like she could carry a drama based in a hospital.
• Probably number 1, because let’s face it, number 2 makes me want to punch him in the face, number 3 is too close to a zombie for comfort, and number 4 is probably an alcoholic.
• Is number four a disheveledy doctor man? If not, he ought to be. Americans like their doctors with many a hair out of place and a loose-cannon-cop kind of attitude. Take out my spleen!
• Snookie because it would be hysterical.
• Bono. For the accent.
• Quite clearly, Michael Jackson. No explanation necessary.
• Cheekbone. She can use her cheekbone as a scalpel.
• All of them. Preferably with a volleyball scene with all of them in the opening credits.
• I wouldn’t let any of them come with 100 feet of me with a scalpel!
• Obviously, Meryl Streep. Not only can she do accents, which would be entertaining, but she’s a classy broad.
• #3. A doctor who is a recovering plastic surgery addict – that’s why she looks that way.
• My contractor. Because he is so good at delivering bad news.

Thanks, all who threw their hats into the ring. I’ll try not to let nine months pass before the next edition of Matthew Draws. It will, after all, be the 15th installment. We’ll have to think of something special. Perhaps reader-submitted subjects? If there’s anyone you’re hankering to see me draw, drop me a line.

First, an important note. I am writing this post on Wednesday afternoon, so anyone who has submitted his responses between now and Friday morning, when the post will go live will not see his cleverness included in my comments. Apologies. We are leaving town tomorrow (Thursday, that’s yesterday to you) morning for a long drive to Massachusetts, and there will be no time between now and then for posting.

That tedious preamble now behind us, let’s proceed to the answers.

I gave you this:

An astonishing number of you guessed correctly. Astonishing, at least, to me, who was certain that my butchery of this drawing would yield the opposite result. So thanks to those of you who guessed Eddie Murphy.

A few notable wrong answers proved that sometimes being wrong is better than being right: “Morgan Freeman back from an inexplicable trip to Hawaii where he acquired a flower and a horrendous mustache,” and “I wish it were a tumor bc that is the scariest face you’ve drawn yet.”

Here was my inspiration.

Next up was this fellow:

I was less surprised that so many of you correctly identified Fred Astaire, who I rendered slightly more successfully. My favorite misfire is “someone with the first name Steve.”

Here is the source photo.

Next, you puzzled over this fine face.

Again, you fine people made me feel so good by guessing Brad Pitt. Moist of you, anyway. Some of you made me laugh by guessing, “#17 on the America’s Most Wanted list,” “Brad Pitt (post-haircut but pre-nap),” and, “one of my former students who is currently in jail.”

Here is Mr. Pitt. I’m hoping his stunning manbeauty does not burn a hole in your screen.

Last came the curveball I did not intend to throw.

I began this drawing with full confidence that this would be a no-fail subject on account of his legendary distinguishing feature. Surely not even I could fail to capture his likeness with such a helpful shorthand to draw upon.

Alas, no. None of you guessed right. But many of you guessed well.

Glenn Close as Cruella DeVille
Jessica Lange (circa 2012, not circa King Kong)
My 11th grade English teacher, Mrs. Long
The latest victim on Law and Order SVU
Zombie Whitney Houston
Adele (because you can see the vocal surgery scars on her neck)

All reasonable guesses, but no, friends, no. I was trying to draw Mick Jagger.

I suppose even huge lips can be overshadowed by sunken zombie eyes, deranged hair, and a seemingly lacerated neck. Sorry Mick. It was your misfortune to be fourth in line, at which point, my attention was starting to flag and my wrist was starting to cramp.

All in all, it was a rather successful edition of Matthew Draws. Who can say if I’m actually improving. (It certainly helped that Robbi did not require me to draw any women this time around.)

Thanks to all of you who cast your votes.

More to come, bye and bye.

It’s that time again. Over the weekend, I was inspired to channel my inner artist. Perhaps this inspires you to run for the Pepto-Bismol?

Here’s hoping that the following challenge helps ease those Monday morning blues. I sometimes find affirmation in spectacular displays of fallibility.

Here then, is my gift to you. (And don’t forget to click SUBMIT at the bottom.)

Okay, okay. It’s not fair to post a Matthew Draws lightning round after allowing a seven full months to pass since the last Matthew Draws. You should be allowed to savor this one, to scour the internet for likenesses, to puzzle over every detail for as long as you’d like.

But we’re in a rush, folks. We have a reading to do tomorrow night. And this Matthew Draws is directly related to the big debut of our latest project, which I have been staying up all night for the last three nights to complete in time.

So – SUBMIT YOUR ANSWERS ASAP, because the correct answers will be revealed here tomorrow, in hopes of enticing you to come to our reading to see the new book in person.

Have at it!