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As has been well documented, I can’t draw. I can’t paint. I can’t sculpt or etch or do much of anything in the realm of the visual arts. But I have always had a tremendous soft spot for art materials. Well-organized boxes of colored pencils, rainbow rows of watercolors, and little jars of glossy paints have always filled me with such a sense of promise. As have unopened pads of watercolor paper. The blank-space potential they represent is almost enough to convince myself that there is an artist in me just waiting for the right set of tools to come along.

So my day was brightened when FedEx showed up just now and brought a box full of Arches hot-pressed watercolor pads, 14 of them.

I’m guessing that Robbi ordered these for the Affirmations, of which so many remain to be drawn. But I can’t help but daydream for a moment about the wonderful worlds I could create—if only I could draw.

Turning Three

We were all too sick and tired to do an adequate reporting on Alden’s birthday while it was actually happening, but I was just browsing through the photos and found a few worth sharing. Basically, Alden still doesn’t really get what birthdays are about. We tend to downplay our own and haven’t yet decided to make a fuss about hers. I’m guessing that by next year, she’ll have heard through the ether that birthdays are a big deal and will, as a result, be insufferable.

To celebrate the last understated birthday, Robbi decided to get ambitious. She ordered Alden a “balance bike” as her main present. Basically, a balance bike looks like a regular bike, but without the gears and pedals. The kid sits on the seat and uses his feet to push the bike along and learn how to balance. The feet are the training wheels.

There are lots of companies that make balance bikes (they are all the craze these days, apparently), but we chose the Prince Lionheart brand on account of it having inflatable tires. Here is what Alden’s bike was supposed to look like.

But Alden has been spending a lot of time watching this endearing British cartoon called Kipper the Dog lately, and one of the characters has a green bike. The green bike has thoroughly captured Alden’s fascination. So Robbi figured that Alden’s bike should be green. She headed down to the spray booth where Seiko sprayed glaze on her pots and got medieval with a can of spray paint.

Before:

After:

Once the various pieces were green, Robbi decided to add the highlights. She had taken Alden along to the hardware store to pick out the paint and had let Alden select the highlight color. Alden chose pink. Robbi (who has really strong ideas about aesthetics) had really been hoping that Alden would choose orange, but decided not to impose her will. Consequently, the handlebar is pink.

As are the various edges.

Feeling that the bike still lacked character, Robbi decided to add Seiko’s family crest. She printed out a model.

And then painted the design.

Although Alden probably won’t appreciate Robbi’s efforts until she happens to see these photos years from now, It’s a lucky thing indeed to have an ambitious mother who knows her way around a paintbrush.

Robbi did all this painting while I was upstairs watching Duke get flattened by Arizona in the NCAA tournament. I went down at halftime to check on her progress. This is how I found her.

After the game, impatient with my downcast attitude and hoping to get my moping self out of the house for a while, she sent me to the drugstore for some wrapping paper. Wrapping a balance bike is no easy task. Once again, Robbi was equal to the challenge.

Eventually, we had ourselves an intriguing-looking present.

When the time came for handing out gifts, we started small, with the bright red flashlight with purple coil for fastening to one’s belt and zipper. It was a hit.

Next up was a gorgeous embroidered alphabet book from my mom. I’ll do a separate post on it. It’s incredible. Alden examined it closely with the help of her new flashlight.

Then it was time for the main event.

Alden rose to the challenge with the sort of excitement than only a newly-minted three-year-old can muster.

When the package was only halfway unwrapped, she stopped to marvel in her gift. Apparently, there is no greater fun to be had than spinning the wheels of an inverted balance bike.

Kato looked on with a mixture of jealousy and amazement.

Eventually, we had to explain that the bike was something to ride. Pretending to know what I was talking about, I explained the complex mechanical principles at play.

Alden was unconvinced, but was eventually persuaded to climb on.

She sat on it for approximately four seconds before proclaiming with no small degree of impatience that it was “too big.” And that was that. It has sat neglected in the corner ever since. Perhaps it is too big. Her feet are still an inch or so from the ground on either side. Perhaps we’ll have to wrap it up again and present it to her for her fourth birthday.

But before we move on, let’s have another look from the side.

I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t another Prince Lionheart balance bike out there decorated quite like this one.

After the presents it was, of course, time for the cake.

There were, of course, three candles.

Alden thoughtfully picked her nose while thinking of what to wish for.

My guess: she wished for an inch more on either leg. But we’ll never know. She wouldn’t say.

She promptly extinguished the candles, that we might proceed to the eating.

Kato, in particular, was impatient for that part of the party to begin.

Since she was the birthday girl, Alden went first.

She promptly complained of insufficient sprinkles. Since she was the birthday girl, we indulged her.

Kato could only suffer the insult of watching his sister eat cake for so long. Suddenly, he lunged across the table to claim his share.

Alden grudgingly consented that he be served. “Let him eat cake,” she said with a regal wave. Kato wasted no time at getting to the heart of the matter.

Also, there was ice cream.

Happy birthday, Alden. Welcome to your third year.

We have been so looking forward to an abrupt cessation of the “terrible” that we have come to know so well over the past twelve months. Strangely, it hasn’t happened yet. Any minute now, I suppose…

DAFR: Day 46

To see the rest of our Daily Affirmations For Realists, click HERE.

Or, to get them each day, “follow” IdiotsBooks on Twitter or “like” IdiotsBooks on Facebook.

While the Cat's Away...

It seems the mouse found the stash housing Robbi’s ice cream fund.

I think it’s going to be a fun week.

So Long, for Now

Here’s a shot from 3:30 this morning, a farewell photo to savor for the next week or so.

Kato and Robbi are off on adventure, heading with Bob to San Francisco to visit Robbi’s brother and his wife and to meet Robbi’s new nephew, Raiden. I’m sure she’ll send me some photos to post. That leaves Alden and me in the barn to fend for ourselves for the interim. I’m sure we’ll spend our days shuffling around listlessly, eating stale bread and watching bad Lifetime movies.

Kato woke without a whimper, dutifully accepting his fate as I wrangled him into his red sweatshirt. He collapsed against my shoulder with a soft sigh as I carried him down the stairs and loaded him into his carseat. I sent him off with a kiss on the forehead.

Please forgive the poor lighting. It’s dark at 3:30am.

DAFR: Day 45

To see the rest of our Daily Affirmations For Realists, click HERE.

Or, to get them each day, “follow” IdiotsBooks on Twitter or “like” IdiotsBooks on Facebook.

Playing it Cool at the Petting Zoo

Seiko was the consummate James Dean fan. He was part of the reason she wanted to come to America. She had a James Dean poster hanging on the bottom of the huge air filter in her studio downstairs, and starting when Alden was a wee thing, it became habit to look up at the poster and say hi to James Dean while walking by. It looks like some of his practiced cool might have rubbed off.


“Digital Image with Goat,” by Robbi Behr (at the Tulsa Zoo).


“Tintype with Sow,” by Dennis Stock.

Seiko would be so proud.

Horrible/Wonderful

If you are driving throughout the Midwest, you will inevitably set eyes upon an establishment called Kum & Go. It is a gas station/convenience store combo with more than 430 stores in 11 states (this, according to the company website).

Driving past a Kum & Go has always left me with a slightly queasy stomach. Though I admire the founders for trying to come up with a fun and clever name, I wonder if they might have gone a bit astray. But perhaps I am alone in my aversion. After all, Kum & Go serves more than 400,000 customers per day, records an excess of $2 billion in annual sales, and is one of Forbes’ top private companies in the country.

When we were in Tulsa a few weeks back, we needed some gas. Naturally, we stopped at the Kum & Go. Inside, Robbi and I found a rack of Kum & Go merchandise, shirts, hats, flasks, shot glasses, and the like. In spite of ourselves, we found ourselves admiring the design of the logo—the colors, the typography, the overall look and feel. It’s really quite nice:

I’m a sucker for good design, and even more of a sucker for camouflage. The end result:

I love the hat. I just love it. It’s a complicated object, horrible and sublime at the very same moment. I’m torn, of course. When I wear it, there’s a very good chance I’ll be misunderstood, but that’s part of the appeal.

It’s a complicated triangle, me and my hat and the Kum & Go.

Notice how Kato doesn’t really want to be in this photo?

DAFR: Day 44

To see the rest of our Daily Affirmations For Realists, click HERE.

Or, to get them each day, “follow” IdiotsBooks on Twitter or “like” IdiotsBooks on Facebook.

Matthew Draws IX: The Answers

I’m well aware that these answers are coming days later than promised, but I seem to have been granted temporary reprieve from the pestilence that continues to have its way with us barndwellers.

I’m not sure that I’m out of the woods entirely, but my energy has returned just a bit, and so, without ceremony or further preamble, I will proceed to the business at hand, revealing the answers to Matthew Draws IX.

I gave you this:

Let’s be honest. This one was a bit of a softball. Almost every single one of you correctly identified this as Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, though a few other guesses included: Verne Troyer (the actor who played Mini-Me), Jean Luc Picard, and “Ghandi pondering his next hunger strike.”

Next up was:

Here the guesses spanned a wider range. Some of my favorites include Lady Gaga, Sarah Palin, Amelia Earhart, Harry Potter, Janis Joplin, and “Hilary Clinton after she’s been set on fire.”

But more than half of you correctly identified this flamboyant fellow as Elton John.

Then, apparently, I threw you a curve ball:

The stunning array of incorrect guesses read like a laundry list of Hollywood A-listers: Hilary Swank, Demi Moore, Kelly Preston, Helen Hunt, Miley Cyrus, Keira Knightly, Alyssa Milano, Amanda Peet, Megan Fox, Cate Blanchett, Mary Louise Parker, and Courtney Love (ok-she probably doesn’t make the A-list category). A few other creative guesses included “Bare-Boob McGee,” “Lady Gaga after her meat dress got ripped off,” “Blair from Facts of Life at her night job,” “lady confused about what happened to the rest of her shirt” and “random Hollywood star trying to make it.”

But exactly one of you made my day by correctly guessing Julianne Moore.

Then came #4.

Most of you had the sense that I had turned back the clock a bit with this one. As such, you guessed Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth I, Mona Lisa, Abigail Adams, Martha Washington, and (surprisingly enough) George Washington. How often do you think it happens that a drawing elicits guesses for both the husband and wife of a pair? This might be the most damning indictment of my drawing ability to date.

More contemporary guesses included Kathy Bates, Helena Bonham Carter, and Michelle Duggar (ouch!).

I also enjoyed, “a Picasso model,” “a German housefrau,” “Cabbage Patch doll, “Marie Antoinette with a deflated wig,” and “no idea, GO DUKE!!” (I’m tempted to give this last person a prize [was it you, Mom?]).

I’m shocked that anyone got this one right, but three of you correctly tagged this fine lady as Mary Todd Lincoln (I’m just glad that no one guessed Abe).

For the bonus question, Robbi asked:

What is person #4 thinking or saying?

You people did not disappoint. Here are a few of my favorites.

1) Lay back and think of the empire. Lay back and think of the empire. Lay back and think of the empire…
2) You and I both know you’re not really trying to read my shirt.
3) Knit one, pearl two. Knit one, pearl two.
4) I could totally oppress Africa today.
5) I think I’d like some cheese.
6) Oh Abe, something exciting ALWAYS happens at the theater!
7) We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women are born with an inalienable right to high fashion, regardless of the bumpiness of their bodies or cat-like nature of their damn creepy eyes.
8) There he goes, rail-splitting and emancipating again.

Thank you all, as always, for taking the time to grapple with my bad hand. That’s all for now. Time to grab a Kleenex. But rest assured that, as soon as this flu has run its course, I’ll trade in the sickbed for the drawing board.