My One True Taylor

Here’s the thing. I’m really into Taylor Swift, and I’m pretty sure she’s into me. Or would be if we ever had the chance to meet.

If you love Taylor, too, please stay away from her, because she’s mine. If you don’t know who Taylor is, then you and I aren’t friends any more.

I see her every time I go to the grocery store. I have many opportunities to keep up on her hair.

But Taylor is so busy being famous and fabulous that we don’t have many chances to actually spend time together. Or any opportunities. It seems her heart is always full with fondness for others.

But recently, I saw a shocking headline.

I’ve long been certain that Taylor was a hopeless romantic. What I did not know is that she is having difficulty finding love.

If she is willing to make the same mistakes with Joe, Jake, John, AND Conor, then doesn’t it stand to reason she’d be willing to make them with me?

The trick, as I saw it, was to get myself in the same room with her. The instant she caught a glimpse of my aura, she would know exactly what she has been missing all these years. Jake Gyllenhaal might have washboard abs, but I have a washing machine.

But Taylor is always so busy running around the world singing and being clapped at that she never has time to come to Chestertown. At least that’s what I’ve always thought.

The other day, I was at Walgreens to get some cold medicine (I have a cold). I was in line to check out, when I chanced to glance over my right shoulder. Who did I see, just beyond the humidifier display?

My heart raced. Was it possible? I took a closer look.

And closer yet. And it was confirmed. There in the Walgreens, surrounded by a display of her merchandise, was my one true Taylor, looking fetching in black and white.

I was paralyzed, struck mute. One cannot prepare for such a moment, so when such a moment comes, one is unprepared. While I did deep breathing exercises, I took a minute to peruse the merchandise.

Of course, I’ve been meaning to pick up a copy of the Speak Now World Tour book for some time now.

And had I known that Taylor had her very own line of guitar picks, I surely would have bought them long ago.

The minutes ticked away and I stood there next to Taylor, afraid to speak, but even more afraid of letting the moment pass. I might have felt like I was back in seventh grade, but I reminded myself that I am now a confident man of 37, with plenty to bring to a relationship. I would lay out my offer to Taylor in rational terms, and whether or not she fell madly in love or ran screaming, I would live the rest of my life knowing that I tried.

And so, digging deep, I tapped her on the shoulder. I know from experience that is what one does when approaching the girl of one’s dreams.

I talked for a while, letting her know how nice I thought her hair looked, and how amazing it was that she could pull off the horizontal stripes without looking pudgy, etc. I was about to move on to my admiration for her earrings when she gave me a sign. I cannot now describe or explain it, but I suddenly knew it was time to move in for the hug.

Was it good? Are burritos good? Are Christmas mornings good? Are big heaps of million dollar bills good?

Was it everything I’d hoped for and more? It was. Never have I been more warmly embraced. Never have I felt more understood or my love more reciprocated. Emboldened, I decided to press my luck.

But when I went in for the kiss, Taylor was coy and aloof, as if she wasn’t even aware that I was there.

If this is how she responds to heartfelt overtures of pure love, no wonder Joe, Jake, John, and Conner gave her the old heave ho.

But even rejection cannot douse my enthusiasm or extinguish my hope.

Taylor and I will have our moment. Even if that moment is not going to happen anytime soon. For now, I’ll just focus my attentions on admiring her music.

As will the the rest of the barn crew. As it turns out, everyone in our family is a big fan of Taylor’s. Even Kato.

Even Robbi.

I’m going to keep my eyes on the headlines. Perhaps some day, Taylor will tire of stardom, fast cars, fancy meals, and brooding leading men. Now, at least, she knows she always has a home in our little corner of the world.

And in a little corner of my heart.