Those of you paying attention must know that my stint on Chestertown’s own Dancing With the Stars is coming up soon. (For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, you can get the lowdown on my dance stardom HERE.) The event itself happens on January 19th, which is a mere 20 days away. My partner Mark and I have put together about four fifths of our routine, but have been set back by the flu, a root canal, and the holidays, so we’re starting to feel the pressure a little bit.
It’s probably long past the time we should have started thinking about this, but we are now into costume mode. Mark pointed me to an online dancewear site called Dancewear Solutions. We are performing to Gangnam Style (if you haven’t heard of it, please crawl out from under the rock where you live and turn on any stupid TV morning show for god’s sake – or just be the 1,089,291,050th person to check out the video on YouTube HERE) – and so I am attempting to wear something similar to the hotties in the video.
Sequins are obviously a must. Sequined hotpants would be even better.
Done. (They also come in silver.) Do you think they sell the tan and the nice gams to go with the hotpants? I’m wondering if I should opt for the slightly (but only very slightly) more modest sequined hotskort.
My ass is not at its best (was it ever, really?) so I can’t tell if I should be prudent or just not give a damn. I am actually going to be doing a couple of cartwheels and kicks, so I can’t tell if the hotskort flying up all over the place is actually worse than the hotpants or not.
My other option is a fringed short, which would hopefully camouflage my jiggly bits with its own jiggly bits.
That one, however, does not come in sequins. (Apparently sequins and fringe go beyond the bounds of good taste.)
But onwards…
The top is a little trickier. In the video, they have these simple billowy shirts, which I actually like. The problem is those cartwheels I’m doing would get that shirt all up in my face. The other problem is I’ve got a little bit of muffin top going on, so nobody wants any kind of midriff action. Once again, I’m thinking fringe might do the trick:
It will also make it look like I’m really hoofing it when all I’m doing is the horse trot. Another option is the sequined ruffle (apparently sequins and ruffles are acceptable in a way sequins and fringe are not) :
Or we can go more sporty, less sparkly, with the awesome 80s thrashed athletic tank look:
My one worry with the fringe is that we’re actually going to be doing a lift (yeah, I know! And spin!) so I don’t really want my top getting all tangled up in stuff. And that brings me to the top that my heart secretly, fervently desires:
Holy crap how hilarious would it be to show up at a dance competition with a shirt on that says “YOU SHOULD SEE ME DANCE”? Ok. Am I the only one laughing? It’s giant off-the-shoulder lime greenness just slays me. It might be the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh please, please tell me this is the shirt I should wear!
Okay. So, to finish the outfit off, it seems I’m going to have to buy dance shoes. Mark recommended jazz shoes, since I’ll be jumping around – which I couldn’t possibly do in heels. Jazz shoes are honkin’ ugly, and only appear to come in black and tan.
I am tempted by the silver and black sneaker shoes or the crazy rainbow shoes, but imagine I’m already pushing the limits of propriety with my sequins and fringe (or ridiculous green shirt) in combination with my sizeable assets.
To top off the look, I’m thinking leg warmers. The girls in the video sport these silvery boot-ish sort of things. The question is, do I get colored leg warmers, or just stick with black to extend the shoes and make them look like boots? (Sorry, I refuse to buy tan shoes.)
So here is my question to you, people: what should I wear? Keep in mind the following:
1. I cannot dance.
2. I have short stubby legs.
3. Jiggly bits.
4. Some evidence of muffin top.
5. Cartwheels.
6. Lift and spin.
If you have completely different suggestions, go right ahead.
In the meantime, while writing this post, I went to the Horizon’s Dance with the Stars website and saw this:
WTF, people?! TIED for second place. A THREE-WAY TIE, no less! And losing to PAUL BRAMBLE. I would do some trash talking here, but I actually don’t even know who Paul Bramble is. (Did you see how I did that? That’s called back-handed trash-talking! Boom!)
Okay. We can do better than that. Let’s put the shebang in this Bang shebang!! (what? what does that even mean?) $1 a vote RIGHT HERE. It’s all for a good cause – seeing me in sequins and fringe, of course!
And don’t forget to leave your ideas in the comments. I need all the help I can get.
Well, that Dancewear Solutions website is a real eye-opener. Also, I think I have too much time on my hands – or more accurately, too much interest in procrastination.
But my research has given me an opinion – take it or leave it. First, these solutions to one’s dancewear needs are not exactly cheap, so I think you should keep in mind your children’s possible interest in these garments for costumery/ dress-up.
Second, jazz shoes? Highly unlikely you’ll use those puppies again. I’d buy the sequined sneakers from the “hip-hop” category personally.
After that, I’d opt for the sequined “biketard”. (Is unitard a trademarked word? Biketard? shudder) The beauty of this all-in-one garment is that it covers you for your concerns 3 through 6. Also, it comes in the same array of colors as those sneakers which, let’s face it, I kind of want.
Finally, you should definitely wear that hideous shirt over your sequined-ness. Alternatively, you & I could have a chat and I’d stitch up a nice shift in the color of your choice to match the hotties in the video. (Regardless I’d stick that biketard under there though.)
Skip the leg warmers. They will slouch around unless you get some kind of spandex tube that might cut off your circulation and I’m thinking that blood flow can only help one’s dancing.
Sounds like a YouTube moment
Amy – color me intrigued… do you really think the biketard (I can’t help laughing just saying it) would actually help with issues 3-6? I worry something so skin tight might actually accentuate those things. That said, if I’m wearing my awesome You Should See Me Dance t-shirt on top it probably won’t matter.
I would totally enlist you and your sewing skills into the project, but given what you’re up against (my new favorite dance t-shirt) I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble. My heart will just always yearn for the t-shirt not taken.
Also: you seem to think I would find a reason to wear the sequined hip-hop shoes again. Please enlighten.
NYC – I’m afraid it’s inevitable. My hope is that it is at least spectacular.
I’ve laughed and laughed and laughed some more.
My vote is:
Hideous green shirt over
Biketard (because, based on the name alone, who could resist that item of clothing?)
Sequined hot pants (the pink would clash gloriously with the green, which makes me want you to choose them…)
Sequined sneakers
Leg warmers BECAUSE they will slouch
As someone who used to dance a lot (and teach dance classes, etc.) and now has enough jiggly bits to be the new jello mascot, here is my suggestion.
Get a white leotard, the silver sequined hot pants, and then they have this cute little thing to wear over it all called the “elegant tent dress” in white (it really is much cuter than the description would indicate). And those tan legs can be all yours… they’re called light toast shimmer tights. I think it would take care of all your concerns. Then get the most basic nude colored jazz shoes. Skip the leg warmers… but I think the sequined fingerless gloves would be a nice touch. :)
Robbi-
I think that you can’t lose with the biketard. Seriously. Those sequined “shorts” aren’t going to amount to much fabric. The biketard will give everything a certain cohesion that simply put, the skimpy nature of the hot pants will not provide.
The way I see it the biketard is basically hot pants that have an attached top. If your top is attached to your hot pants, then it stands to reason you have no reason to fear anything of a muffin-y nature.
As for jiggling….you’re going to be dancing which will involve jiggling of bits no matter what measures you employ. Sequins send light flying all around, thus distracting viewers from any particular bit jiggling at any particular moment. Fringe only gives jiggles visual echoes. Go sequin.
Finally, I say go with color! for both biketard and shoes! Given Alden’s recent enchantment with some meagre bedazzling on pants’ pockets, I think it’s a safe bet that a colorful sequined biketard will be a winner with your kids. As for the sneakers – are you kidding me? C’mon. Of course you will wear sequined sneakers all the stinking time! Who wouldn’t? Think about your daily routine. Now think about how much sequined sneakers will enliven the drudgery of your days! Also, your sequined sneakers might be the only item in your wardrobe that will match your new awesomest ever dance shirt.
You know I might have to get a charter bus together to come see this excitement in person. I’m fairly certain there’s a busload of people in the NYC Metro area who will want in on this.
Happy New Year, you lovely idjits!
I’m recalculating the votes right now (hello, hot New Years Eve!) Will have an update posted soon.
And I can’t wait for the Gangnam Style.
Please please wear the fringe hot pants. I love them. I’m going to get a pair just for house wear. Imagine how they would make all 3 of my boys giggle. I think you have to follow your heart on the other pieces. Your instincts about black leggings and black shoes are dead on. I didn’t know about this. I’m coming to show support. How fun!!
Get the green shirt! Totally.
Robbi, dahlink, I have to agree with Sarah. Camisole leotard, tent dress, sequined bottoms, tan tights (you’ll be SO glad if you wear tights) and whatever shoes you like. (I’d say to hell with Mark’s suggestions and wear giant strappy platforms like the gals in the video. You might break your ankle, but what price beauty, right?) I’ll even help glue sequins all over the tent dress!
Get the green top to wear to your next black tie affair if you must.
Amy – any chance you can stitch up a shift to match the ones in the video for less than $24? I’m trying to put together and order, and holy wow, this dancing for charity thing is expensive.
In case anyone is wondering, I’m opting for:
white sequined hotshorts
with white camisole leotard
with white “tent dress” and/or something sewn by Amy
with black and silver shoes (http://www.dancewearsolutions.com/ES0485-Clearance.aspx – on the off chance that I might ever ever wear them again, and on sale too)
with maybe black leg warmers
and tan tights
I would add in the sequined gloves, Sarah, but will need to sell some art to foot the bill.
I TAKE IT BACK, AMY! I panicked in the middle of the night, worried that my order might not arrive in time, and ordered the whole shebang. More on that soon…
In other news, you can keep up with rankings on the Horizons at Radcliffe FB page: https://www.facebook.com/horizonsatradcliffecreekschool
I’m on tenterhooks! All the time!!