Those of you paying attention must know that my stint on Chestertown’s own Dancing With the Stars is coming up soon. (For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, you can get the lowdown on my dance stardom HERE.) The event itself happens on January 19th, which is a mere 20 days away. My partner Mark and I have put together about four fifths of our routine, but have been set back by the flu, a root canal, and the holidays, so we’re starting to feel the pressure a little bit.
It’s probably long past the time we should have started thinking about this, but we are now into costume mode. Mark pointed me to an online dancewear site called Dancewear Solutions. We are performing to Gangnam Style (if you haven’t heard of it, please crawl out from under the rock where you live and turn on any stupid TV morning show for god’s sake – or just be the 1,089,291,050th person to check out the video on YouTube HERE) – and so I am attempting to wear something similar to the hotties in the video.
Sequins are obviously a must. Sequined hotpants would be even better.
Done. (They also come in silver.) Do you think they sell the tan and the nice gams to go with the hotpants? I’m wondering if I should opt for the slightly (but only very slightly) more modest sequined hotskort.
My ass is not at its best (was it ever, really?) so I can’t tell if I should be prudent or just not give a damn. I am actually going to be doing a couple of cartwheels and kicks, so I can’t tell if the hotskort flying up all over the place is actually worse than the hotpants or not.
My other option is a fringed short, which would hopefully camouflage my jiggly bits with its own jiggly bits.
That one, however, does not come in sequins. (Apparently sequins and fringe go beyond the bounds of good taste.)
The top is a little trickier. In the video, they have these simple billowy shirts, which I actually like. The problem is those cartwheels I’m doing would get that shirt all up in my face. The other problem is I’ve got a little bit of muffin top going on, so nobody wants any kind of midriff action. Once again, I’m thinking fringe might do the trick:
It will also make it look like I’m really hoofing it when all I’m doing is the horse trot. Another option is the sequined ruffle (apparently sequins and ruffles are acceptable in a way sequins and fringe are not) :
Or we can go more sporty, less sparkly, with the awesome 80s thrashed athletic tank look:
My one worry with the fringe is that we’re actually going to be doing a lift (yeah, I know! And spin!) so I don’t really want my top getting all tangled up in stuff. And that brings me to the top that my heart secretly, fervently desires:
Holy crap how hilarious would it be to show up at a dance competition with a shirt on that says “YOU SHOULD SEE ME DANCE”? Ok. Am I the only one laughing? It’s giant off-the-shoulder lime greenness just slays me. It might be the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh please, please tell me this is the shirt I should wear!
Okay. So, to finish the outfit off, it seems I’m going to have to buy dance shoes. Mark recommended jazz shoes, since I’ll be jumping around – which I couldn’t possibly do in heels. Jazz shoes are honkin’ ugly, and only appear to come in black and tan.
I am tempted by the silver and black sneaker shoes or the crazy rainbow shoes, but imagine I’m already pushing the limits of propriety with my sequins and fringe (or ridiculous green shirt) in combination with my sizeable assets.
To top off the look, I’m thinking leg warmers. The girls in the video sport these silvery boot-ish sort of things. The question is, do I get colored leg warmers, or just stick with black to extend the shoes and make them look like boots? (Sorry, I refuse to buy tan shoes.)
So here is my question to you, people: what should I wear? Keep in mind the following:
1. I cannot dance.
2. I have short stubby legs.
3. Jiggly bits.
4. Some evidence of muffin top.
6. Lift and spin.
If you have completely different suggestions, go right ahead.
In the meantime, while writing this post, I went to the Horizon’s Dance with the Stars website and saw this:
WTF, people?! TIED for second place. A THREE-WAY TIE, no less! And losing to PAUL BRAMBLE. I would do some trash talking here, but I actually don’t even know who Paul Bramble is. (Did you see how I did that? That’s called back-handed trash-talking! Boom!)
Okay. We can do better than that. Let’s put the shebang in this Bang shebang!! (what? what does that even mean?) $1 a vote RIGHT HERE. It’s all for a good cause – seeing me in sequins and fringe, of course!
And don’t forget to leave your ideas in the comments. I need all the help I can get.