Dancewear Resolution

So, today I was toiling away at my computer, still trying to tie up loose organizational ends from the annual end-of-the-year cleanup (new content management system, new backup drives, new file hierarchy, etc etc etc zzzzzzzzzzzz) when I heard the familiar thunk of a package on the front porch of the barn (if it can even be called a porch).

I trotted downstairs to see what was coming my way.

A sizeable box. But quite light.

I put on my reading glasses to read the label. “Dancewear Solutions,” it read.

BAM!!! My dance gear order, as thoroughly debated here, had finally arrived! I could not wait to open the box – needless to say, the computer filing was immediately put on hold. In fact, so were all other chores, including filling the dishwasher. Alden and August helpfully took charge.

Onward!

The first thing out of the box was unimpressive.

Unimpressively SMALL, I mean.

What the hell? It seemed impossible that I could fit into those things. I double checked the invoice to make sure I hadn’t gotten the kid tights by accident (the tights themselves just said “medium”).

The invoice checked out. Evidently (spoiler alert) I don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to tights.

Next out of the box was the white leotard.

Nothing special there. The plan is to just wear it under everything to smooth out the jiggly bits. This, at least, resembled something in my size.

Then came the “tent dress,” meant to imitate the swingy a-line shirt thingy that the foxy laides wear in the Gangnam Style video.

The hope is that the extra fabric will give me some coverage in the midsection, and some good swooshing action that should distract from the fact that I can’t really dance.

At this point, Matthew was scratching his head, and asked when we were going to get to the flashy stuff. Then BAM! Sequined hotpants!

Frankly, I have to say I was a little disappointed. I actually thought they would be flashier than they were. The sequins are just in a loopy pattern over the fabric. I thought it would be rock solid sequins. More flash, I say, MORE FLASH!!!

Alden, however, was not disappointed at all. She even discovered that she could wear the shorts with a friend – one kid per leg-hole – if she wanted.

I actually think the shorts might have magical powers, because Alden put them on and was instantly able to strike a plausible video hottie pose.

Seriously. Don’t ask me where she learned that.

Up next were the leg warmers. I wasn’t sure whether I would use them or not, but they were on sale for $5 so I figured why not.

They are short and very snug, and in case you’re wondering, don’t fit over jeans very well.

And then, the final pieces to pull everything together: my shoes!! Yeah, I couldn’t do the sad solid black jazz shoes. These babies were on sale, and I thought there might be an off chance that I might wear them for something in the future.

And by “something” I mean “EVERYTHING.”
I LOVE THEM.
(That’s a bad picture. I was too busy gleefully prancing around for Matthew to be able to point and shoot properly.)

So, now it was time to try everything on. It turns out, impossibly, that the tights DO fit. I couldn’t believe it. The leotard also fit. And then we got to the tent dress.

Oh, the tent dress.

It turns out that “tent dress” is the perfect name for the tent dress.

I ordered a size down, but it still covered up my magic shorts in a way that made my magic shorts totally extraneous. And then there was the problem of bunching.

SERIOUS bunching.

No need to worry about jiggly bits if you look like an elephant armpit, I guess.

Well, this will not do. I briefly considered just ditching the tent dress and sticking with the white leotard.

And when I say briefly, I mean REALLY BRIEFLY. I can’t believe Matthew managed to snap a photo in the time that I thought it was a plausible idea. I decided to raid my closet for other options rather than face the trial and anxiety of getting lost in the world of Dancewear Solutions again. Matthew suggested since I wouldn’t be modeling myself after the babes in the video anymore, I should go for some color.

And oh! I had the perfect shirt!

A Pixies concert shirt would add just the right amount of badassery to this whole affair. But damned if I hadn’t bought it for Alden! I thought maybe some adjustments by way of scissors might make it possible, but realized that unless I wanted to wear a tube top with a slit up the side, it wasn’t going to happen. BUT –

BUT BUT BUT! I have my own Pixies concert shirt! I had bought it when I was 7 months pregnant with August, hoping that I would someday fit in it again (their size options were very limited), and haven’t successfully tried it on since. I dug it out, and with the help of the leotard (it’s quite an effective girdle) was able to squeeze into it. Not red, but check out the awesome lightning Pixies logo!

So this is it, folks. I am ready to take the dance floor by storm. Though I must say that I’m tempted by Sarah’s suggestion that I buy the fingerless sequined gloves to top it all off.

And so I will probably debate about that until it’s too late to get them in time or I panic in the middle of the night and place the order.

Either way, the ensemble has been gathered. I am exhausted. And we haven’t even done the dancing part yet.

So please, for the love of god, make this whole trial worth it for somebody. At the very least, for the kids who will benefit from your donations. So don’t forget to VOTE FOR ME HERE! (Apologies for the hard sell, but I’m actually trying to raise money here.)

PLUS:

LOOK AT ME:

I mean, how can you not want to throw a dollar at THAT?