In a shocking break with tradition, I am going to provide the answers to Matthew Draws 16 without making you wait for weeks and weeks.
So here goes.
I gave you this cheerful fellow.
A number of you guessed Chef Paul Prudhomme, which makes sense, because he looks a great deal like my actual model, Dom DeLuise, which seven of you guessed correctly, to my immense gratification.
Let us pause for a moment so that I may issue a sincere apology to the following person, who I earnestly tried to represent with all the radiance and beauty that flows from her every pore. The result is clear evidence that effort is sometimes insufficient:
No, this was not Steven Tyler, Carrot Top, Kathy Griffith, Joaquin Phoenix, Carol Burnette, Michael Jackson, Richard Simmons, Willem Dafoe wearing a wig. No, my friends, this poor, visually maligned person is none other than Julia Roberts.
I know I did slightly better with the next drawing, because most of you correctly guessed the gender. But this is not Grace Slick, Michelle Obama, Kathy Griffith, Debra Messing, Barbara Streisand, Catherine O’Hara or “a Joan Rivers/Dolly Parton hybrid.”
And it is not, as the placer of my favorite guess of the week suggested, “Reba McEntire(ly missing one iris).”
One of you (thank you, thank you, thank you) correctly guessed that this is…
…the lovely Christina Hendricks.
This poor fellow has far bigger problems than my inability to draw him well. He is not Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno, Jackie Gleason, Howard Cosel, Wayne Brady, or Fat Albert. Nor is it “The guy with the goiter that is in the Guinness Book of World Records”.
Nor is that, as many of you suggested/worried, a “penis on his shoulder.”
No friends, none of you guessed that this is, in fact, Robbi’s least favorite baseball player, the utterly unlikable Alex Rodriguez.
I guess I could have helped you out by attempting to draw the Yankee’s logo on the microphone?
As for the bonus question: If you had to choose one of these people to be your dance partner on Dancing With the Stars, who would it be, and why?
Goiter guy. He’d get the sympathy vote.
I’d have to go with #1. I don’t dance, and he doesn’t look like he does, either, so perhaps we could just sit and drink while watching the other contestants.
Joan Rivahs/Dawly Pahrton hybrid because of breasts.
Wayne Brady…unless he decided I was a ho, in which case he might slap me.
Dom DeLuise is probably my speed. Especially since I believe he’s dead.
Christina Hendricks. Her bosom would distract the judges, and that’s what I need.
Forget these nobodies. I’d rather dance with Robbi.
Amen to that, I say.