Five days have passed. You people have voted. And the verdict is: I still can’t draw.
Onward then, to the humiliation.
I gave you this guy. In selecting the source image, I had thought I was doing myself a favor. Such a distinctive face would surely be easy enough to capture, even with a line as inexpert as my own.
Alas, instead of right answers, I received a host of desperate guesses, as follows -
I must have captured the grizzle, because miscues included:
Dustin Hoffman, George Carlin, Robert Di Niro, James Lipton, Ernest Hemingway, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Peter Stormare, James Gandolfini.
Some of you suggested young, attractive men such as Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds.
Someone guessed Kevin Spacey, who is neither grizzled nor young and attractive.
Without reasonable evidence for a reasonable guess, some of you got creative, which always pleases me:
Tommy Lee Jones with a toothache
Van Gogh with the wrong ear missing
The actor who played the dumb cheerleader boyfriend from Bring it On, while puzzling through something existential like anchovies on pizza, sans razor and plus some wear and tear.
And, my favorite misfire:
An actor who would play the part of either Lewis or Clark in a movie about Western exploration.
No, no, no, and no.
Up next, my best attempt to reverse decades of progress for women in a few furtive moments of character assassination.
No, she is not Barbara Streisand. Not Cameron Diaz.
She is not Cate Blanchett (though I totally see it). She is not “Cate Blanchett and Jaws’ love child”
Not Courtney Love.
Not “Dakota Fanning, OMG!”
Not Kate Hudson.
Not Kate Middleton.
Not “Madonna with a grill”
Not Parker Posey.
Not Scarlett Johannson.
Not Tyler Swift.
Not “someone with corn teeth.”
Not “ubiquitous 20-something starlet.”
Not “Scrunchnose Braceface.”
This person is none of these. But one blessed person among you you (perhaps harnessing strange powers of telepathy or worse) did correctly guess that I had drawn Toni Collette.
Moving on, then, to this week’s greatest shame. I knew this drawing wasn’t going to work almost from the moment I began. The head is too wide. The eyes are not right. The teeth got away from me. But the rules of Mattthew Draws stipulate that I only draw in pen and there’s no starting over. Not ever. Please keep these rules in mind as you censor and judge.
Quite a few of you wanted this to be Billie Jean King.
Others had the gall to offend Helena Bonham Carter by guessing that this was her.
It’s not Hillary Clinton. Not Meredith Viera.
Not Glasses McGee.
Not “My old boss, who I liked.”
Perhaps the prize for this one should go to “I have no freakin’ idea,” because sometimes honesty is the most valuable currency.
She is not “Ugly Betty, with emphasis on ‘ugly’.” She is not Whoopie Goldberg.
Three of you wanted this to be Sarah Palin (which is a reasonable guess but for the fact that drawing Sarah Palin would have violated another rule of Matthew Draws, which states that Matthew shall never draw the same person twice). Sarah Palin was featured in Matthew Draws X, as shown:
I award style points to the following:
Sarah Palin after eating 12 moose and getting wooden teeth.
Guidance counselor with encouraging smile.
Hmm…this is a trick.
But, again, I must reward the correct answer over the most reasonable ones. Some mad genius among you did claw through the muck and somehow determine that I was drawing Tina Fey.
Finally, what I consider to be my best drawing of the day. I was hopeful that some of you would agree with me.
And, indeed, I was not disappointed.
We’ll start with the folly.
Not Constantine the Great.
Not Kim Kardashian.
Not Liam Neeson.
Not Magnum PI.
Several of you chose to fixate on the facial hair, for which I will not blame you.
A few speculated that this was Conan O’Brien with surprising facial hair.
One suggested “that tall French actor.”
Another asked that age-old question, “Man or woman. I’m not at all sure.”
But, though some of you were baffled, five of you, yes FIVE of you correctly guessed that this is Larry Bird.
Which means that the one of you who said, “no frickin’ clue, but his mustache is a bad idea” wasn’t technically wrong.
Actually, the one of the five of you who said, “young Larry Bird” is the true winner, because Larry doesn’t look like this any more.
As for the bonus question, “Which of these people has Matthew most sorely offended, and why?”, here is what you had to say:
Me. I’ve never felt so inept.
Van Gogh. He has a hand growing out of his neck.
If that is Larry Bird, then him. Definitely.
All of them need braces.
I think Glasses and Teeth, though it might be Paul McCartney's High School Mustache. Damn. It might also be Melty Face. I guess Matthew LEAST offended Attractive Woman with Too Many Teeth by giving her a dazzling smile.
Creepy mustache guy from the 80's. You know what you did.
And there you have it. Another edition of Matthew Draws is in the books. I must take some small measure of comfort in the fact that only one of my drawings eluded every one of you.
Thanks to all of you for humoring me. I’d like to say I do this to please you. But that is not quite right. I do it because it feels so good to be so bad.
Until next Friday,