Alright. You haven’t heard much from me lately. I’m on sabbatical, after all. And what does this mean?
Well, a whole lotta this:
And yes, a fair amount of this:
While Iggy does this:
That’s pretty much what my days have looked like, all day, every day, for the past month.
There are occasional times when I have to go pick up my eldest child from school. I usually bring Iggy along, which means that sometimes when I am trying to take a photo of my child joyfully skipping along the sidewalk, I instead take a bunch of pictures that look like this:
The moments with my kids are so rare these days that sometimes I indulge in a longer stop than usual at the climbing tree on the way home:
And then when I get home, I force them to help me with my work, just so I can steal a few more extra minutes:
And then I rush back down the street to my computer and my many waiting projects with a little bit lighter heart, and a renewed sense of purpose to do a whole lotta this:
Wish me some ass-kicking luck. This sabbatical thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.
It’s a day late and many many dollars short, but here is the latest in remarkable hand-powered ink-and-paper-based ineptitude from Matthew!
Please, please don’t be frightened away by this first picture. Stand strong, tighten your bowels, and push through! Because there’s some gold at the end of this rainbow. Onwards!
Sorry, people. Although the Matthew Draws drawings are done, the survey is not yet set up because of backlog on the Robbi front, so today we’ll shed some light on that situation, which continues to unfold around the clock approximately two blocks from here.
We have just entered the second month of Robbi’s sabbatical. She has not, as she had hoped, caught up on her work. Mostly because her work keeps piling up as each new project she attempts to finish spawns eight more projects demanding her attention.
Robbi currently dwells in that piece of exquisite hell known as web design.
To be clear, she is currently in the process of designing five new websites, all of which need to be finished by October.
- A brand-new umbrella website for all of our various enterprises, which will be home to our brand-new blog.
- A brand-new Idiots’Books homepage and blog design.
- A brand-new Bobbledy Books homepage and blog design.
- A brand-new Idiotsbooks/Bobbledy Books combined store (which will allow you to buy subscriptions and other stuff from BOTH presses at once and which will [in response to popular demand] allow you to purchase recurring subscriptions so that you do not have to remember to renew; a win for you and for us!)
- A brand-new Haywire Letterpress site (so that you can, you know, buy stuff from Haywire Letterpress when it launches later this month)
I stopped by yesterday afternoon to make sure Robbi was still conscious and to get a pulse on her mood.
I thought a little company might make her feel better.
I was wrong.
Rest assured, she is not going hungry. As far as I can tell, if the old saying is true that you are what you eat…
…Robbi will soon be a granola bar.
And a bear naked one, at that.
Right after this photo was taken, she grumpily sent me away with a homework assignment.
The horizontal lines represent words that need writing. And so I will write them.
It seems the least I can do.
In spite of the abovepictured gloom, I am happy to say that Robbi is making great progress. Far more than she can see from the depths of her misery. It is exciting to see all these new designs and sites take shape. I daresay we will emerge on the other side of this ordeal looking far more polished and professional than we do now. You might not even recognize us.
If in doubt, just look for the grumpy granola bar.
Good morning. This post is a day late, so let’s get right to it.
I gave you this fellow.
I think my drawing is excellent. EXCELLENT, I say. But did any of you reward my enthusiasm with a proper guess?
There was a definite theme…
- Leonard Nimoy
- John Travolta! (Though Jon Cryer is a possibility…)
- John Travolta
- Ummm. An Extra…Bad Dude #3 with helmet hair? I am 0 for 1.
- Squinty McSquarechin
- John Travolta in some acting role that required his chin cleft to be filled in with concrete?
- No, the helmet hair doesn’t help at all. This is just your generic, maybe makes action movies, good-looking guy.
- Stephen Seagal?
- Looks like a athletic Leonard Nimoy. Not saying Leonard isn’t fit, but this guy looks heavier, but not in a fat kinda way.
- Marky Mark. Or Spock.
- Oh man – it’s not William Shatner but I don’t know who this is. I’m sorry I’m so lame.
- Leonard Nimoy.
- Mr. Spock, with his right ear on upside down, of course.
- Leonard Nimoy
…unfortunately, it was the theme to a bad movie where everyone gets blown up by dark alien forces.
Although I am fond of going where no man has gone before, this is NOT, in fact, Leonard Nemoy.
This is Lance Armstrong.
Moving on, then…
Again, I felt optimistic, but less certain I had succeeded.
- It is the lovely Emma Thompson.
- Claire Danes
- Toni Collette
- I am 0 for 2.
- Meredith Baxter Burney
- Emma Thompson – with those wistful British eyes
- Emma Thompson? (May she forgive me for this guess if she is an Idiots’Blog reader)
- Emma Thompson
- Marion Cotillard? (Again with the question marks. I feel so uncertain this week.)
- Emma Thompson
- Penelope Cruz?
- Anna Chlumsky?? Emma Roberts?
- Emma Thompson, right after rolling out of the sack
- Emma Thompson (and very nicely drawn, btw
And, Lo! From the murky darkness there emerged a bright light that lit up the world and made everyone glad.
Clearly, I am no great judge of the quality of my own drawings. This is, in fact Emma Thompson. You people are so good for my self confidence.
Now we are entering that special, awful, treacherous space in which I attempt to depict the young and (supposedly) beautiful.
- I can’t tell. My eyes keep moving away from her bad teeth and strong jaw to the wardrobe malfunction about to happen.
- Kate Winslet
- Kelly osborne
- Minnie Driver
- She’s on the verge of a serious wardrobe malfunction. Otherwise = I am 0 for 3.
- Pink? Though I don’t think of her dressing quite so glamorously!
- I’m too distracted by the enormity of this person’s lower teeth to make a plausible guess. Hollywood must have broadened the standards of beauty for ingenues which I suppose is a good thing?
- Portia De Rossi?
- That ingenue needs some double sided tape and some gum surgery. But, I digress. Could it be … no. I don’t even know. I can’t.
- Molly Ringwald
- um …….
- Kelly Osborne???
- Jennifer Lawrence. Or that guy who played Jaws in that James Bond movie. So hard to tell.
- Shailene Woodley
And, much to my dismay (if not surprise), not one of you correctly guessed that this is none other than Kate Upton.
And those are her upper teeth by the way.
I’m guessing that this fellow’s awesome mustache is going to have led at least a few of you to the right answer (though I’m guessing that an equal number of you will have guessed the other guy who has this mustache).
Let’s have a look.
As I suspected, it came down to a two-man race between Lionel Richie and Richard Pryor.
- Oh that’s totally Richard Pryor. Totally.
- Richard Pryor
- Richard Pryor
- Lionel Ritchie
- Richard Pryor
- Richard, thank you from making me strike out, Pryor.
- Richard Pryor or the Swedish Chef
- Lionel Richie. Boom!
- Richard Pyror going to some formal event that required a tuxedo? because why else would Pryor wear a bow tie? But the hair, the ‘stache and the brows….
- Richard Pryor
- Richard Pryor!
- Richard Pryor
- Gene Shallitt?
- Lionel Richie
- RICHARD PRYOR! But he sure is worried about something.
- Richard Pryor
And the Richard Pryor’s have it.
And now for my very favorite moment of any given week, the Matthew Draws bonus question. It is always at this moment when I realize that I am surrounded by smart, hilarious people. We Matthew Draws enthusiasts should start a club. Or a cabal. Who’s with me?
Here was this week’s question:
We will not ask you to write a limerick this week. You’re welcome. Instead, please expound on which of these people you feel would make the best babysitter for Matthew’s children. Matthew needs a night out!
- Richard Pryor all the way, man. He would be amusing and not get stressed out by kids doing their thing. He would join in the fun. You may find that they didn’t eat a good dinner, but I can almost guarantee tired kids sleeping well that night. If they ever go to sleep.
- Emma Thompson, of course! She’s got that ‘edgy Mary Poppins’ vibe
- John Travolta, because he can dance. Or, if desperate, he can break into his Vinnie Barbarino character!
- Not Richard Pryor.
- Emma, only Emma. Frightening political/ quasi-religious beliefs take John out of the running; a predilection for crack voids Richard’s chances; and, the ingenue’s blatant disregard for dental hygiene reduces her to an image best-suited for a “scared-straight” campaign to promote of teeth brushing.
- Emma Thompson in her role as Nanny McPhee.
- Well, they’d be quite safe with Stephen Seagal. And, my husband would want me to point out that he’s a deputy sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. So, babysitter with law enforcement AND Hollywood experience. Win.
- Natch, Richard Pryor
- Uh, well, I don’t want any one of these persons of clearly questionable character to look after the Behr-Swanson babes. They have Iggy and that’s enough (think Nana in Peter Pan).
- Lionel, because he’ll let them dance to “All Night Long” and jump on the beds until you come home, thus exhausting them into sleeping late.
- Well, number 1 has the vulcan nerve pinch in his corner. Number 2 has the eye-rolling down. Number 3 has teeth that will throw fear into their hearts. And number 4 is watching his own back, which is a good move when you’re dealing with three kids. So, I’m going to have to go with an amalgam of all four.
- Leonard Nemoy would be great a childcare. If the kids get out of line he could knock them out with the Vulcan neck pinch thing.
You people have given me some good ideas.
If only I were Vulcan, I could neck pinch my children to sleep each night. No wonder Spock was so calm.
If only Iggy were drawn by Disney animators, she might be a worthy guard dog.
If only I could draw better teeth, the young and beautiful might have a better chance of being recognizable.
Thank you, my friends, for another week of fun. If you haven’t yet picked up your copy of Matthew Draws Anthology, what are you waiting for? I depend on book revenue to buy the incredible volume of supplies it takes to make Matthew Draws happen, namely one black Uniball, one sheet of blank white paper, and one lifetime of failing to understand the nuances of dental structure.
These things are not free, my friends!
Buy (http://store NULL.idiotsbooks NULL.com/ProductDetails NULL.asp?ProductCode=IB000-43) what critics are calling “Perhaps the greatest collection of Matthew’s drawings ever assembled.”
Or just subscribe (http://store NULL.idiotsbooks NULL.com/SearchResults NULL.asp?Cat=3), already. I know you want to. All this self-denial is unbecoming.
Until next week.
Good morning, you tireless fools. “Today,” you think to yourself, “Today is the day that the stars will align, the clouds will part, the angels will sing, and I will know in the depths of my heart the true identity of every single one of Matthew’s subjects. Today is that day. It must be.”
And that is my sincere desire for you as well. I wish you all the best as you walk the slippery path ahead. It’s the least I can do after withholding all meaningful visual clues.
I spent all day yesterday thinking about Matthew Draws as I handled various Matthew Draws-related materials in anticipation of the Matthew Draws Anthology, Vol 1 mailing that goes out today.
Every subscriber will receive a Matthew Draws greeting card (with envelope) lovingly hand-printed on our Chandler&Price (and lovingly presented in a plastic sleeve).
Every subscriber will receive a copy of the Anthology itself, which contains 61 of our favorite MD drawings from the past few years (including the unfortunate souls featured on the front of the card, of course).
Each subscriber will also receive an attractive manilla envelope (which some of the most ardent collectors among you will faithfully preserve for the sake of posterity (or value at the Christie’s auction that will someday fund a mid-life (or late-life) crisis)).
Solo copies of the Matthew Draws Anthology, Vol 1 are now available for shipping. But if you love Matthew Draws and if you want to be a part of the ongoing experiment that is Idiots’Books, why not subscribe and kill two birds with one stone? Why not give Matthew Draws to someone you love? Or, if you love no one, why not give it to someone you hope to irritate or confuse?
To get the book. (http://store NULL.idiotsbooks NULL.com/ProductDetails NULL.asp?ProductCode=IB000-43)
To subscribe (http://store NULL.idiotsbooks NULL.com/SearchResults NULL.asp?Cat=3) (which will also result in your getting the book, plus three others).
To read about Snookie (http://snookinicole NULL.celebuzz NULL.com/).
Thank you, folks. We couldn’t (or maybe just wouldn’t) do it without you.