Matthew Draws 44 – The Answers

Matthew Draws 44 – The Answers

Yes, yes, I know I’m late in posting this post. You have told me. I have heard you. Apologies and so on. I am full of excuses but will keep them to myself. Let’s just begin. Right now.

I drew this person.


Screen Shot 2016-06-03 at 1.34.50 PM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.34 NULL.50-PM NULL.png)

And most of you people were convinced, with all your hearts, that I drew Louis C.K. A few of you offered pleasing praise (or is it better described as shock?).

  • Louis CK in the house!
  • Louis C.K.! It’s Louis C.K.!
  • Louis CK… I’m certain of it. Well done!
  • Louis C.K. with the slightest hint of Walter White.
  • Louis C.K. – how is that even a last name? Can I change my last name to 7.8. ?
  • Louis CK or that guy that’s always at the Royal Farms.
  • Either Louis CK or Louis XIV without his wig

There were a few dissenting opinions:

  • George Carlin
  • Paul Giamatti
  • Bryan Cranston
  • James Gandolfini
  • Richard Karn
  • James Lipton

But the most of you had it in a landslide.

Louis-C.K. (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Here’s where things got entirely murky.

I drew this person.

Screen Shot 2016-06-03 at 1.35.07 PM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

So many of you seemed so confident in your guesses.

There was a cluster of support for Katie Couric including “Katie Couric … Channeling Martha Stewart,” and “Katie Couric in a shampoo ad”. A number of you agreed that it must be Jennifer Aniston.

And then there were a bunch of one-offs.

  • (Unbreakable) Ellie Kemper!
  • Meredith Vieira
  • Nancy McKeon from The Facts of Life
  • Chew baca Mom
  • Hoda Kotb. Or not.
  • Bette Midler
  • Young Joan Rivers
  • Matthew’s mom
  • Renee Zellweger
  • Joy Behar
  • Amy Schumer
  • Mayim Bialik
  • It looks like a love child of Jennifer Anniston and Julia Louis Dreyfus?
  • Loretta Switt
  • The twinkle in the eye tells me its Jennifer Aniston.
  • Wow, she looks nice though!
  • Chelsea Handler
  • Rita Wilson
  • Kelly Ripa

One of you thought I’d drawn a man. Really?

  • George Zimmerman

But none of you, NONE of you figured out that I was trying to draw (obviously!) Neve Campbell.

neve_campbell (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Next up…

Screen Shot 2016-06-03 at 1.35.18 PM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Again, there was little consensus. The sheer array of answers was delightful.

  • With that jawline, it has to be Anjelia Huston!
  • Iggy Pop
  • Russel Brand on a serious day
  • Bill Nighy
  • It’s not Patti Smith, but I wish it was.
  • Yikes! Uh, um, ???
  • Iggy pop after a big meal
  • Mrs. Bruce (my vaguely racist grade-school music teacher)
  • Lily Tomlin
  • Hillary Clinton
  • If it weren’t for the strong chin, I’d say Meryl Streep. Maybe if she morphed with Voldemort’s snake, Nagini.
  • Kate Moncrief
  • Jay Leno’s mother?
  • Marilyn Manson
  • France’s McDormand
  • Tough one. I can’t decide between Iggy Pop and Annie Leibowitz sans glasses.
  • I’m not sure, but she seems a little scary
  • Some aging rock star
  • Alice Cooper
  • the witch that I thought lived in my basement when I was little
  • patti smith!! if it isnt it should be.
  • I don’t know but I love the shape of the left eyelid

A few of the guesses strayed in the direction of being correct:

  • Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent
  • Give me a hint … Man or woman? I give up.

But…three of you got it right, including the one of you who felt sheepish in placing your guess:

I kind of feel bad saying this, but Caitlyn Jenner?

Indeed. No need to feel bad. I’m just that good at drawing.

jenner (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

To bring us  down the home stretch, I drew this person:

Screen Shot 2016-06-03 at 1.35.26 PM

Again, your guesses followed no clear theme.

There was a flurry of enthusiasm for the idea that I had drawn Drake.

  • Idris Elba in overalls, apparently.
  • Joe Manganiello
  • Alan Iverson I guess
  • Scarface
  • obviously I should know this one but I don’t
  • Dwayne Wade
  • Michael K. Williams
  • Diddy?
  • The guy who was originally on Scandal but got kicked off
  • Dwyane Wade … Based solely on the tank top
  • No idea.
  • Jared Leto
  • Ummmm…
  • Ming the merciless
  • Zayn Malik
  • Paul Gaugin
  • Contemplative guy with cornrows
  • Kanye

Again, some of them made me laugh audibly.

  • The Black Phantom of the Opera
  • Corn Row Shakespeare
  • I’ve never seen this person. Ever.

Including this, my favorite ever guess in Matthew Draws:

  • spear carrier in an opera

I do not even know what that means. But I love it so much. And now I want to go to an opera.

However, in the wake of all this glorious guessing, just two…JUST TWO! COME ON PEOPLE…of you correctly identified…

  • Oh man, is that Omar from the Wire?
  • Omar Little!

OmarLittle (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

As for my star rating, out of a possible 5, you people gave me a collective 3.375. Do I aspire for greater heights? I do? Am I satisfied for today? You betcha.

And now, for the bonus question/smokebomb, carelessly lobbed by Robbi moments before she ran out of the room:

Please write a rhyming couplet honoring one or all of these fine people.

You fine people certainly didn’t disappoint.

  • Louis’ humor is the bomb
    Ellie’s smile shows her aplomb
    Anjelica, tall and divine
    Elba’s looking mighty fine.
  • Dead-eyed stares, dead-eyed stares,
    Matthew can’t draw, but no one cares.
  • Matthew’s drawing merely mars
    The flawless faces of the stars.
  • Ode to Louis CK XIV
    My forehead, so high,
    Escapes to the skyyyyyyyy
  • Bill Nighy, certainly not of science guy fame;
    Brought the magic to Harry that changed the game.
  • Louis CK, you made my day
    When you called out the Drumpf on his insecurité.
    He’s a bully, a meanie, and a narcissist, too,
    Who can’t tell the truth from a big pile of poo!
  • Matthew’s drawings aren’t rad
    They’re really, really bad
  • Matthew Draws is awesome
    Because all of the women he draws look like the actress who plays Blossom
  • Forehead as bright as the light of day
    Of all four I only knew Louis C.K.
  • “Matthew has some chin drawing issues.
    I laugh, I cry… Please pass the tissues.
  • Oh, to be a subject of “Matthew Draws”
    One must be willing to see their own flaws
  • I could win at Powerball
    Before correctly guessing these all.
  • I named Drake in this quiz
    But I’m not sure who he is.
  • I’ve got nothing left.
    I’m exhausted and I feel bereft.
  • Louis CK, whose bald head I’d like to rub
    To comfort him for that time that kid pooped in his tub.
  • Matthew’s drawings are sublime
    Not unlike this here rhyme
  • I feel pretty sure that the first is CK;
    The second’s eyeliner won’t give her away;
    The third gave me heebies, so onward I moved;
    Ending with Omar’s depiction? So rude.

And, just in case you were wondering if Matthew Draws is a global phenomenon,

  • Recht viel Glück und Judihudi wünsched s’Lineli und s’Trudi.

Apparently, the above is Swiss German. I would so appreciate if some kindly reader would translate. I hate to miss a single disparaging poem about my drawing acumen.

And that’s that. Sorry for the delay in posting. But here’s the good news. Because I am five days late in posting these answers, you only have to wait two days for the next batch of drawings. See you here on Wednesday, you enlightened army of extremely intelligent people who also love wincing.

Matthew Draws 43 – The Answers

Matthew Draws 43 – The Answers

You know the drill. You’re grouchy and impatient. I have what you want, and there is no need to be coy.

Let’s dive right in.


MD43a (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

I’m proud of you guys! Many of you were right on track, though others of you provided amusing alternatives to the actual answer.

I did not draw:

  • Jennifer Lawrence in that thing that’s not Game of Thrones
  • Raging hyperthyroid starlet with broadsword on her back
  • Mrs. Smith
  • Raccoon Woman, the newest vigilante superhero
  • Someone from the Game of Thrones
  • Jennifer Lawrence
  • Obviously, kiz-atniss eviz-erdeen
  • Claire Danes
  • J-La, looking hungry & gamey

And then there was the bet hedger, who bridged the gap between wrong and right.

  • Either Anjelina Jolie or Rey in Star Wars

And then there was the person who got it right, but wanted to be sassy about it.

  • Well it’s obviously Rey from Star Wars.

And the person who got it right and wanted to be sassy AND cheerful about it.

  • Rey from Star Wars TFA, pretty clearly — hooray!

And then the rest of you, who just got it right (or almost). Kudos .

  • The Star Wars person
  • Daisy Ridley
  • Rey from the latest Star Wars? Someone else perhaps? Regardless, she’s a badass
  • Princvess Leia without the ear muffs
  • Daisy Ridley/Rey
  • Rey
  • Rey!

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 1.13.37 PM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

And then, this fellow.

MD43b (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Most of you correctly identified the gender and ethnicity of my subject, so bully for you. The exact identity of this African American male person was more elusive.

First off, the arrows that failed to find the target:

Two of you guessed either a white male or a male ogre.

  • Billy Zane
  • Shrek in a suit

Or a Siamese monarch

  • The King of Siam??

As for the black dudes I did not draw:

  • Montel Williams
  • Don Lemon
  • Hannibal Buress? No, he usually has glasses and squints. Um. Dwayne Johnson? maybe?
  • Charles Barkley
  • Steve Harvey
  • Mike Tyson, after Evander Holyfield got even
  • Glynn Washington?
  • Cory Booker

A few of the guesses defied neat demographic classification:

  • Baldy McBeaverTeeth
  • Wow, OK…

But a blessed handful of you people correctly identified:

  • Charles Barkley

One with a pleasing mixture of pride and shock:


Charles-Barkley (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

As for person #3, I must admit I threw you a challenge. Not because my drawing is so bad (which it surely is), but because this person is less well known to the general public than most of my subjects (though he is near and dear to me).

MD43c (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)


I get the sense that you tried. And I thank you for that. But here the pursuit of truth was elusive. Steve Carrell was the closest thing we had to a plurality.

  • Swami Berman
  • ShrunkenHead RippedEar
  • Someone Russian
  • Nathan Lane?
  • Kevin Spacey
  • No idea, but he will haunt my nightmares tonight.
  • Some poor guy with a melting earlobe. Or Harvey Keitel.
  • Phil Rizzuto
  • That sportscaster who thought that nobody would notice his Salvador Dali melting clock ear
  • The ears are screaming Ross Perot.
  • No clue
  • His face is so frightening that his ear is trying to abandon ship. Or Robin Williams.
  • Steve Carell
  • No earthly clue, but, wow, he should have that ear looked at by a doctor
  • Howard Cosell
  • Steve Carrell
  • John Kasich

Am I the only one who thinks the incorrect guesses are so much more satisfying than the ones that hit the mark?

The one of you who got it right expressed hesitancy.

  • Is this Coach K? If it is, NC fans will thank you for making him look like the weird bird they keep telling you he looks like. Who, apparently, has also been attacked by a pit bull.

Please, people. All I ask is for conviction. When placing your guesses, go big. Go bold.

But I digress. Yes indeed. This person is none other than the coach of the greatest basketball team of all time. Mike Krzyewski. Of the 2017 national champion Duke Blue Devils.

149911_team_managers022 (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

You would think that subject #4, being a woman, would throw you all into a tailspin. My ineptness at rendering the female face has been documented for many years now. And yet! And yet…

MD43d (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Many of your guesses were spot on, filling my heart with something like pride.

We’ll start with the misses.

  • Shirley Mclaine?
  • Mia farrow
  • Lily Tomlin
  • The terrifying love child of Joan Rivers and Lily Tomlinson
  • Joan Rivers
  • Joan Didion
  • Angola Mourkle
  • A melting person
  • Muffy Crosswire (As a divorced, 49 year old, Sr. White House correspondent).

I love the Muffy Crosswire guess. For those of you who did not know (I count myself among this group), Muffy is a character from the world of Arthur, a children’s book series.

April_9th_67 (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

But I did not draw Muffy. Not today. Not ever.

And then there was the proverbial waffler, who just happened to snare the correct answer in a too-large net.

  • Sissy Spacek or Mick Jagger. I’m having a really hard time deciding, which is probably not good news for either of them.

“But which one is it?” you may be asking. Your wait is over. Because why prolong the suspense?

Plenty of you nailed it, but I will pick my favorite version of the correct answer.

  •  Sissy Spacek! Way to go!

Sissy_Spacek_featured_photo_gallery (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

As for this week’s star rating, I earned a respectable? 3.5 out of 5. Will I take it? Oh yes. It’s closer to the top and bottom. Am I satisfied? Hell no! I will keep drawing and drawing until I earn a perfect 5. And then, my friends. I will draw some more.

And now for my favorite part of the Matthew Draws experience, in which you answer a question or challenge posed by Robbi. This week, she served up a tough one.

Write an ode to the lips of one (or more!) of these fabulous people. We will use all of our Hollywood insider contacts to get them into the hands of the actual celebrities shown.

But man oh man did you people come through. Let me count the ways:

  • Would that you had lips, miss Spacek,
    I am sure they would thrill.
    Alas, I shall spend my days
    Dreaming of someone else.
  • Matthew what hubris
    in rendering these lips:
    wide, pursed or wary
    they’re all kind of scary.
    But none can compete
    with 3’s crescent and teeth
    pinning in place
    his entire sad face
    from beady pin eyes
    to what must be a tie.
    And what’s with the nose
    and the wandering earlobe?
    Enough of this morass!
    I must go teach class.
    Your collection of freaks
    would fit with those in Geek
    Love, the book we are reading
    (despite my students’ pleading).
  • J-Law’s lips are so divine
    Spacek’s lips are thin and fine
    Barkley has a pillow pout
    Mr. White’s lips often shout (Keitel in Reservoir Dogs)
  • Your lips are so weird and scary,
    One of you may be more hairy,
    Matthew has tried,
    We have sighed,
    And you’ve all been visited by the ugly fairy.
  • If Sissy Spacek’s lips were any wider
    Her parents would’ve had to hide her
    Lucky for her she’s smart
    And doesn’t give a fart
    For those who can’t abide her.

A couple of you wrote Haiku:

  • Lips are quite luscious.
    They kiss and they help us talk.
    Ross Perot’s ears kill.
  • You’re big, you’re small, you’re
    In between. The nicest lips
    I have ever seen.

And here’s to the person who had the good sense to know when the challenge was too great. I do respect a person who knows his/her limits.

  • Pass to next week… I don’t like the place ‘rhymes with lips’ is taking me…

For that, I shall also pass to next week. I have a life to live. Children to feed. Drawings to do. Thanks, everyone, for being a part of my favorite part of the week.




Matthew Draws 43

It’s that time of week again! Matthew is back with some doozies, but all things considered, I’m starting to worry that his drawing skills are just getting too good. I wouldn’t say he’s any better at capturing likenesses, but I do think I’m starting to see more evidence of technical savvy in some of the pinpoint pupils and collapsing shoulders. That odd mangled ear just shatters the rose-colored glasses, though. Steel yourselves for it now…

And guess away!

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Matthew Draws 41 – The Answers

Matthew Draws 41 – The Answers

Now that Matthew Draws has returned, I hope to curtail some of the bad habits that have plagued the previous incarnations. Gone are the days in which I would wait weeks and weeks to post answers! I add the exclamation point to remind myself that I mean it.

Let’s dive right in. I drew, you guessed. Mostly, it was a disaster, but there was a single ray of light. My first drawing was a resounding success! To remind you . . .

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 9.38.21 AM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.38 NULL.21-AM NULL.png)

Though I would love to give a gold star to the person who said Laura Ingalls Wilder, that person is probably deranged and dangerous.

There were a number of Gwen Stefanis, several Miley Cyruses, a Lil Kim, a Nicki Minaj, and a Mary J Blige.

There was a Tammy Faye Baker and a Female Che Guevara.

But, by acclamation, the Missy Elliots ruled the day.

Missy-Elliott_9343 (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Thank you for for somehow penetrating the cold, dark vacuum that is my lack of drawing acumen. I’ve seldom felt more understood.

I should have stopped while I was ahead. But that is not how Matthew Draws works. And so I did another drawing. Here’s where things got murky.

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 9.38.36 AM (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

There were no real themes to the guessing. We had a couple Steven A. Smiths and a few Spike Lees, but the rest were a series of desperate one-offs that I will share with you now.

  • FDR
  • Ummmmm
  • Batman and/or Robin
  • Paul Giamatti
  • Bob Balaban
  • Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Or Pete Townsend.
  • Bono
  • The Edge
  • Will Smith
  • The guy from the ESPN sports show
  • Kareem
  • OJ
  • Steve Buscemi
  • The piano guy on Letterman… I can’t remember his name. But it’s the glasses that made me think of him, so I’ve probably been thrown off track.
  • Common
  • Don Lemon
  • Chris Darden
  • An old Deitrick Haddon?
  • Al Roker
  • Moby without a shave
  • That’s actually a good likeness, but of whom I can’t remember

All I can say is, no, no, no, and no. I was trying, albeit horribly, to draw Elvis Costello.

elvis-crop (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpg)

Because the rule of Matthew Draws dictates that there will be precisely four drawings each time, I plowed forward. I drew this delectable morsel.

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 9.38.54 AM

Once again, most of you fired blanks. I do not blame you. It is entirely my fault.

Here are your best efforts, reckless stabbing in an Affleck-tinged, Baldwin-esque fog.

  • Haggard Wall Streeter
  • Hugh Jackman
  • A Baldwin?
  • Marco Rubio
  • A Baldwin bro?
  • John Travolta
  • Ben Affleck. John Travolta. No idea!
  • Billy Baldwin
  • Ben Affleck
  • John Hamm
  • David Duchoveny
  • John Travolta as Robert Shapiro (context is critical)
  • Hugh Grant
  • Ryan Seacrest
  • The guy from Burn Notice
  • Nick Cage
  • Billy Baldwin
  • Steven Baldwin
  • No idea
  • Ben Affleck
  • Elliot Stabler
  • Ron Perlman
  • Howard Cosell
  • Kevin Bacon with hair plugs
  • William Baldwin
  • John Travolta
  • Ben Affleck
  • Justin “le Hot Stuff and not just the poutine kind” Trudeau?

Such a chronicle of misguided disaster. But one of you, one glorious, lucky soul, guessed correctly. This is none other than Ryan Gosling.

Feminist-Ryan-Gosling (http://robbiandmatthew NULL.jpeg)

My finale was not worth the price of admission. Please know I really, really tried, as I always do, even if the evidence is difficult to locate.

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 9.38.47 AM

Did some of you get this one right? Yes! A few of you did. And some of you, in guessing wrong, incorrectly guessed the mother of the correct answer.

The rest of you were firing arrows at the moon, earnest, admirable, and completely misguided:

  • Carmen Electra? She hasn’t aged a day.
  • Oh God No
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Hilary Clinton
  • I refuse to insult anyone by putting their name to that likeness. No, wait, Sarah Palin.
  • One of Drumpf’s wives
  • Barbra Streisand
  • Nope
  • Queen Latifah
  • Jennifer Anniston
  • Miley Cyrus, upon de-coupling, yet again, from Liam Hemsworth
  • Gloria Steinhem
  • Barbara Streisand
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Julia Roberts
  • Hannah Montana
  • Barbara Streisand
  • ???
  • Ryot Wilson
  • Lily Tomlin
  • Mayim Bialik
  • Susan Sarandon
  • Ivanka Drumpf, because TIMELY!
  • Kim Davis without glasses
  • ???

An entire four of you correctly guessed that I had attempted to draw Chelsea Clinton.


Though I must give a special shout out to the handful of you who guessed Barbra Streisand. I see it! I really do.

As for my star rating (a new feature of the Matthew Draws reboot), I earned a whopping 3.4 stars from you people. Which is to say, which of you is trying to bribe me, and what is it that you want? Only one of you had the good sense to award me the single star I deserved, and eight of you gave me FIVE STARS. By what standard am I being measured? Do you people enjoy pain? Were the instructions unclear. I am shocked and a little bit flattered and a whole lot worried about the readership of this blog.

And for the bonus question: If you were to choose two of these people to star in the 2016 reboot of “The Shining,” which would you choose to play Jack and Wendy and why?

  • I’d put a whole new twist on it and have Missy Elliot be Jack and Haggard Wall Streeter play Wendy. It would be a “fresh new gender-swapping take” and I think Missy Elliot could pretty convincingly scare the pants off of Haggard Wall Streeter.
  • Missy and Oh God No
  • Baldwin and Clinton. Because peanut butter and jelly. That’s why.
  • Balding eyeglass dude and Sarah Palin, because it would make for a much shorter movie, as Jack would have been driven into a murderous rage by Sarah Palin’s Wendy at a much earlier point in the film.
  • Definitely 3 and 1. 3 looks halfway around the bend to begin with, and 1 would not take any supernatural shit off of anyone.
  • Billy Baldwin and Missy Elliott. Because, duh.
  • Missy Elliot and Bob Balaban. Because that I would pay to see.
  • Well. I’d pick Miley for Wendy, cuz she’d come in like a wrecking ball on all that creepshow. And I suspect the 2nd male figure is actually the newly botoxed and tucked Tom Cruise, not, in fact, John Travolta as Robert Shapiro. So, given that, I’d cast Missy Elliott as Jack, because she’d write a hella good soundtrack to go with it.
  • The Balding guy should be Jack. He looks scary. Hannah Montana (on the right) should be Wendy for similar reasons. Terrifying.
  • #3 would be Jack, and the little face on his forehead would be Wendy. GIMME THE BAT!
  • Ivanka Drumpf & Justin Trudeau because POLITIX!
  • Kim Davis to play Jack of course, and Ryan Gosling to play Wendy because I can’t remember Wendy at all, and in this drawing, Ryan looks very unmemorable. I think he could play unmemorable well, despite his charming handsomeness.
  • The first to play Wendy – she looks badass. The second to play Jack – he certainly does not look like a dull boy.
  • redrum

And that, my friends, is that. I hope you enjoyed the guessing. I sure did enjoy the drawing. What is Matthew Draws if not a constant affirmation that the line between pleasure and pain can be very thin indeed.

Please tune in again next Wednesday for a fresh batch of drawings.

Matthew Draws 41- It’s Back!

Matthew Draws 41- It’s Back!

It’s been a long time coming, but with spring in the air, March Madness on the near horizon, and children spending more time outside, Matthew is FEELING IT. And by “it,” we of course mean, “the strong desire to set misgivings aside and plow forward with pen and paper and a complete lack of skills.”

As an added bonus, I’m using Typeform (https://www NULL.typeform (use it! it’s easy! and no, nobody pays me for endorsements, I just love them!) which allows you to give Matthew a 1-5 star rating at the end. Please be honest and don’t worry about his feelings. That’s the way I always play it, anyway.

Alright – so here you go (and don’t forget to check back next Wednesday for the answers):

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