I will not bore you with preamble. Let’s do this.
You people were wrong, wrong, wrong. And, yes, I freely admit that the fault is mostly mine.
Here’s who you thought I was trying to draw:
- Mikey (The Life Cereal kid)
- Oh god, that hair and face. So disturbed.
- I just can’t . . .
- Male? Female? Chef? Serial Killer who uses a spoon?
- Jay Leno about to get seriously freaky with some silverware
- One of the witches from A WRINKLE IN TIME. What, I am wrong?
- Joan Cusack with a bowl cut (and accompanying spoon)
- Reese Witherspoon
- A Keebler elf who turned into a serial killer. Yikes.
- John Cleese
- Jay Leno on Celebrity Chopped? The chin gave it away.
- Is that a bib? Some evil toddler. Probably one I see in my clinic. Looks like he wants to hit me with that spoon . . .
- Jim Carrey
- Wolfgang Puck
- Peter Pudding Pilferer
- Michael McDonald as Stuart
- Gordon Ramsey?
- Oh my! You are mastering the art of expressive lines, facial expressions, or something like that! Not a clue. Some sort of cooking show host. I don’t watch TV.
- Ben, or maybe Jerry. Blended with a pedophile.
- Jim Carrey and his exceedingly dumb haircut in Dumb and Dumber
As I said, a whole bowl full of folly. But one of you saw through my failure to the underlying truth. One of you guessed Amelie.
Also known as Audrey Tautou, who is, perhaps, the second most beautiful woman I’m aware of (not that you’d be able to detect how I feel from looking at my drawing).
My next subject is not a beautiful woman. But us see if you were able to tell which beautiful woman he isn’t.
This time, five of you guessed correctly. Which means the rest of you did not.
- John Cleese
- George LOONEY?! GET IT?!?!?
- Remak Ramsay
- My next door neighbor, Cal? He is awesome and makes the best homemade ice cream!
- John Cleese, or that guy from BLADERUNNER
- Yikes. IDK – some Mexican?
- John Cleese?
- Still John Cleese, just older
- Virgil Barnes, physics professor at Purdue University. Amazing how you captured his likeness without ever seeing him!
- Ray Liota
- John Cleese was my first instinct, but contemplating the craziness of the eyes, I’d go Joaquin Phoenix. If pressed, A Fish Called Wanda-era John Cleese.
- Bryan Cranston
- Mel Gibson, because he’s crazy.
- John C. Reilly.
- Alan Alda’s second tent-mate/BFF on M*A*S*H. Was that BJ Hunnicutt?
- Tom Hanks in Castaway if he had been washed up with a bunch of razors from Dollar Shave Club. But for some reason couldn’t shave his mustache.
Believe it or not, the following fellow is extremely handsome in real life.
Just not in the version of life that consists of people who were drawn by me.
This guy is not:
- A man with a face.
- I’m all out . . . can’t even guess
- Mike Wallace
- Anthony Bourdain
- Mel Gibson
- Alec Baldwin
- Donald Sutherland or that other guy with white hair who’s in those TV shows all the time.
- I want to say Bruce Willis, but I know whoever this dude is would kick my ass for saying that.
- I think that might be my Dad, actually . . .
- This has to be Lou Ferrigno. Not pumped up.
- As much as it pains me, I’m thinking Clooney: stubble, laugh lines around the eyes, deep-set eyes. But it’s no a version of him I’d ever want to meet.
- Javier Barden
- David Bautista
- Anthony Bourdain in 20 yrs
- Anthony Bourdain
- Anthony Bordain
- George Clooney after pretending to be on a bender.
- IS THAT MY EX-BOYFRIEND???
- Javier Bardem or that guy who played Frankenstein
- Humphrey Bogart? or Sad George Clooney?
I am particularly proud of this last drawing. As soon as I finished it, I ran over to Robbi, who told me that I’d done a great job and that she could tell right away that I’d drawn James Van Der Beek.
I did not draw, James Van Der Beek, and I told her so. With some disgust, I might add. Not only was this drawing the spitting image of my subject, I told her, but furthermore, any serious fan of Matthew Draws knows that I always draw two women and two men, and the two male slots were already taken by William H. Macy and George Clooney.
Robbi insisted that I must be mistaken, that the Van Der Beek likeness was too compelling to be a mistake, that my only error had been forgetting who I was trying to draw in the first place.
I was livid, of course, but if you have ever been in an argument with Robbi, you know that you do not win. And so I did not press the point.
I tell you this to let you know how delighted I am that not one of you (save Robbi) thought I had drawn James Van Der Beek. And that almost ALL of you correctly identified my subject.
Those guesses who failed to hit the mark include:
- I just can’t even.
- Ellen Degeneres on the worst day of her life
- Vanessa Redgrave
- Ellen Degeneres with sad face.
- A very dismayed Uma Thurman
- Susan Boyle.
- Dawson’s Creek der Beek!
- I don’t know who you are, but you look so sad and pathetic that I kind of want to slap you.
I would really advise against the slapping. What you interpreted as a look of “sadness” was, in fact, a look of “come one step closer and I will rip our eyeballs out with my little finger.”
Because, as almost all of you guessed, I was trying to draw Glenn Close, or, as one of you wrote, “Glenn Close Up,” or, better yet, “Glenn Close, made of wax and put too close to the heat.”
If you haven’t yet watched Damages, do it. The woman gives me nightmares.
As for the bonus question, If one of these people was one of your “Five People You Meet In Heaven” which one would it be and why?
- Cleese. Obviously.
- I mean any of these freaks could potentially be there, heaven seems super weird and boring.
- William H. Macy b/c he’s awesome in everything.
- #4 because he/she really needs a hug
- Well, if it the WRINKLE IN TIME witch, then I will have to recalculate my entire worldview . . .
- William H. Macy, because, well, Fargo!
- William Macy . . . cuz he strikes me as the more spiritually evolved of the bunch…
- I can’t tell you. It would violate my restraining order.
- This is a tricky one, given the cast of characters above. John Cleese all the way.
- My Dad. I’d definitely rather see him instead of John Cleese (twice) or Glenn Close.
- Are you kidding? The Freaking Incredible Hulk. I used to play pretend wedding with the plastic bust bank I had of him when I was a wee lass. My dog officiated. Did I say that out loud?
- Ummmm . . . none of the above, please?!?
- Glen Close, cuz if I don’t pick her she’ll boil my pets.
- Who says I’m going to Heaven?
- Bourdain, maybe he’d cook for me.
- God help me please none of them
- I don’t think any of them are getting into heaven. They pretty much all look like sociopaths. Sorry, Tom Hanks.
- Thank you, I choose hell.
That’s all, folks. It’s time for me to go to bed. I have a carful of junk and a date with the town dump at 8:00 sharp. You didn’t need to know that of course. You might not have even wanted to know it. But Matthew Draws is all about honesty, airing the dirty laundry so to speak. It’s what brings us together you and me. Thanks for guessing, for closing the circle, for letting this lark live on to see another day.
See you on Friday.