Friends, you have been patient. This morning, I am happy to say that your long wait has ended. Here are the answers to Matthew draws XVII.
It seems I fooled few of you with my first drawing.
Was the telltale haircut, the multiple piercings, or the overall air of “good girl gone bad”?
Yes, my friends, this is Miley in the flesh.
Other fine guesses included Pink, Rhianna, Rachel Maddow, and “a terrifying fallen Disney pop princess.” I am just relieved that no one thought I’d drawn a man.
Here she is. The self-appointed queen of twerk.
Moving on, then.
Here the answers were all over the place. In fact, no two guesses were the same. I’m not sure that’s ever happened before in Matthew Draws.
Wrong answers include Al Sharpton, Bernie Mac, Chuy Bravo, Cleveland from Family Guy, Dr. Martin Luther King, George Zimmerman, Idris Elba with about 20 extra pounds, James Brown (football announcer) Kenan Thompson as Steve Harvey, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Robert Downey, Jr., Thurgood Marshall, Jim Vance, Erik Estrada, black guy, middle-aged black guy at a job interview, and…Miley Cyrus.
Fortunately, among the dozens of wrong answers was one right one!
Hello, Jesse Jackson.
Our next contestant fared almost as poorly as Jesse, in that the guesses were all over the place.
She is not, I’m sorry to say Barbara Walters, Calista Flockhart, Carrie Bradshaw, Emma Watson, Annie Lennox, Jodi Foster, Jena Malone, Keira Knightly, Katy Perry, Kristin Wiig, Katy Perry, Posh Spice, Tilda Swinton, Amy Pohler, Amy Winehouse, or Neil Degrasse Tyson.
Nor is she “a woman with a gun to her back,” “almost any white woman in need of a shower,” or…Miley Cyrus.
I am stunned and delighted that a full three of you correctly identified the poor, defamed subject of my godawful drawing as Jennifer Lawrence.
Moving on to my final victim.
Let’s start with the litany of misfires. This mustachioed, buttchinned man in uniform is not Fidel Castro, Francisco Franco, GI Joe, Tom Selleck, Ron Burgandy, Raul Castro, Saddam Hussein (pre-capture), Burt Reynolds, The Parks and Rec guy, or “a general, a porn general.”
Nor will I accept as an adequate answer “some foreign dictator,” or “he’s in the military, I believe.”
And though I’m tempted to award a prize for consistency, he is not…Miley Cyrus.
He is, Joseph Stalin, which three of you got right.
I’d be lying if I didn’t wish he were around to show us how to twerk USSR style.
As for the bonus question, “If you were a plastic surgeon, what would you change about each of these people, and why?” we got a host of ideas, some of them outstanding.
- 1. Personality 2. Hairline 3. Wonky eye. 4 I’d make him not be a military dictator.
- Boobs for everyone
- Don’t you think Matthew has already done enough to these poor people?
- Everything. Because…seriously.
- I might give a few of them eyelids
- I would give all of them Klingon ears
- Contact lenses to cover their vampire eyes.
- I would remove Miley’s tongue. Because it’s just gross
- Obviously, they all need boob jobs.
- Oh gosh. I don’t know. Lasik?
- The gums on #1 because they blend right in with the teeth and that can’t be good.
- Their self-esteem.
- Bigger schnoz for #1
- Their crazy, crazy eyes
- The teeth I can see appear to be filed to points, so I’d order up some cosmetic dentistry. Caps for everyone!
- 1. Has an unfortunately devilish pointed chin; 2. could use a neck; 3 has neck to spare, so send it over to 2; 4. I’m not personally a fan of the cleft chin, but hey, maybe he likes it
- I would tattoo their names on their foreheads.
- I would cosmetically altar each to look more like the “Have A Nice Day” smiley face, so as to be more easily rendered by Matthew
- Miley Cyrus
A few observations before I go:
- This is the first (and perhaps last) time that someone’s name has been the answer to all five questions. I’m not sure whether this is an insult or a compliment to my drawing prowess, so I’m going to take it as the latter, with apologies and thanks to Miss Cyrus.
- It’s hard to draw the ladies.
- We’ve finally decided to get our acts together and actually organize a few things in our otherwise unreasonable lives. One of these things is Matthew Draws, which will now become a biweekly (that’s every two weeks, not twice a week) feature, with the promise of answers four days after the original post. This will make some of you happy and some of you hollow inside. Check back two weeks from today for the next installment, and if you have any ideas for who you’d like me to draw, do tell (matthew null@null idiotsbooks NULL.com).