Knowing Matthew and me and the sorts of people with whom we consort, Alden suggested we make a video outlining the basics of health and hygiene. For those of you willing to sit through an immaculate step-by-step detailing of how you ought to put on deodorant, brush your teeth, do your laundry, and weigh in, watch and learn:
For those of you not willing to sit through it, here it is in condensed form:
1. Lick your deodorant before putting it on.
2. Apply deodorant to both sides of your belly.
3. Make sure to throw all toothbrushes onto the floor before putting them in your mouth.
4. Don’t actually put any toothpaste on your toothbrush. It’s overrated.
5. Just push some buttons on the washer. It gives the appearance of doing laundry without actually having to do laundry.
6. Weigh in. But do a little step-on-step-off first, to trick the scale into thinking you’re 5 pounds lighter than you actually are.
7. Say good-bye to your father. Though it appears that he is filming videos from the toilet, your mother hopes this is not true.
8. Assure your mother it is not true.
I am astounded as I realize this is the first time, having never actually met Matthew, that I have heard a good sampling of his voice. Now I actually have a chance at recognizing him if he is selected as a special guest on my episode of “This is Your Life”.
I realize now how badly I need to make my way down to Chestertown to meet my dear friend Robbi’s family face to face. I must redeem myself at long last.
Okay, for good or worse, the little buggers learn from their parents, this I know. So, fess up, which one of you licks your deodorant? And, is it good? Cuz maybe there’s a market for a flavored Speed Stick…
Ming – Matthew insists you are not real. A visit would surely rectify the situation.
Clare – first off, I blame Matthew. But that’s because I blame Matthew for everything. The fact is, I so rarely remember to put on deodorant that she must be learning this from him. Also, he is an unrelenting chapsticker. I think she might have gotten her tubes of product confused and decided to shoot the moon.
I have the same scale. I also do the same little dance trying to get it to show me a lower weight than I really am. Sometimes it even works.
“Alden” is so life-like it is uncanny.