One of my favorite pieces of writing of all time is in David Sedaris’s “Me Talk Pretty One Day”.
I was first given this book in audio cassette form (can you believe it? I was alive in those days!) the first year that I was dating Matthew, when he lived in northern Massachusetts and I lived in Philadelphia – it was meant to help pass the time during my semimonthly weekend drive to see him. I drove a sad little Chevy Nova whose defroster was so crippled it required me to roll down the window in order to see because the inside of the windshield would get frost on it. But it did have a working tape deck. And so I listened to those tapes again and again and again. And loud, because the windows were down.
One of the stories in the collection gives an account of Sedaris taking French lessons after moving to Paris. His classmates hail from many different countries, and one exercise has them trying to explain the Easter holiday in French:
“It is,” said one, “a party for the little boy of god who call his self Jesus and… oh shit.” She faltered and her fellow countryman came to her aid.
“He call his self Jesus and then he die one day on two… morsels of… lumber.” The rest of the class jumped in, offering bits of information that would have given the pope an aneurysm.
“He die one day and then he go above of my head to live with your father.”
“He weared of himself the long hair and after he die. The first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples.”
“He nice the Jesus.”
Oh how I love to think of Jesus on his two morsels of lumber!
Well, anyway, it was Matthew’s good friend David who gave me those tapes (David is the most thoughtful gift-giver I know). And it is Matthew’s good friend David who is now embarking on a similar French adventure – he will be taking a total immersion class in France in May. In preparation for this, he is writing a blog all in French.
And, here’s the part that you must know: click the “Translate to your language” Go button at the top of his site. Whether his French is bad or whether the translating software is bad, it certainly makes for a hilarious read.
Plus, he challenged us to a war with the call
Aux armes, citoyens,
Formez vos battalions,
Marchons, marchons!
Qu’un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!
Which apparently translates to
To arms, citizens,
Form your battalions,
Walk, walk!
Impure blood
Water our furrows!
When he says “impure blood” I’m pretty sure he’s talking about me.
Bottleneck? Bottleneck! Bottleneck. Booooooottleneck.
I love when they talk about the Easter Bunny in America vs. the Easter Bells in France. Which option is more ridiculous for the delivery of delicious Easter chocolates?
One of my favorite Sedaris books. And that passage is, no doubt, my favorite from the collection! :) Thanks for the revisit!
Speaking of Sedaris, and remembering your earlier post about Ira Glass: A Very Special Sedaris Christmas
Your friend David’s site is SO funny. Thanks for lay link. Jzem bocoo.
Robbi, you do know he called you “La reine des idiots”, right? I think you need to faites les combat, toot sweet.
1) The Easter story in Me Talk Pretty One Day always reminds my of my college roommate, Jennifer, and her fantastic Easter story which I will tell you now. NOW!
Jennifer was hosting a foreign exchange student when Easter rolled around (Jennifer was a few years older than me, by the way). The student was from a country where Christianity was not widely practiced, so she didn’t know very much about Easter. Jennifer, who is very, very chatty, and who could really care less if you understand English, launched into an explanation about Jesus and the Crucifixion and how he rose from the dead, and then she went over the secular celebrations and the Easter Bunny and hiding eggs and chocolate goodies and whatnot and so on. So Easter morning rolls around, and Jennifer sneaks into the student’s room before she wakes and leaves an Easter basket. When the student wakes up, she sees the basket and freaks out. Jennifer doesn’t get it and they go back and forth for awhile in broken English until Jennifer realizes that the student thought that it was not an Easter BUNNY that left the basket, but, rather, an Easter BODY. Namely, the dead, once-crucified, now-risen body of Jesus Christ, come to bring Cadbury Eggs and Skittles to all the good little boys and girls. . .
2) If you think this David fellow is the most thoughtful gift-giver ever, you just wait until you see what I got your little Kato. You just wait. WAIT!
Ronit – hey, thanks! I haven’t actually listened to this one. It is on my queue to listen to while I work. But since Matthew’s in KC, we know THAT’S not going to happen anytime soon…
Clare – Hey, I’ll take whatever queendom I can get. I’m not going to risk it by declaring war and being defeated and having to give it away to the colonial empire. No sir. Queen of the Idiots 4EVER!
Marigold – This is why we should never share anything with foreigners. They don’t understand anything. Why can’t they all just speak english? Easter is weird.
Also – David got Kato a private jet because he likes shiny things. Beat that.