Hello, all. Welcome back to Matthew Draws. I am pleased to actually be in Maryland this week, with the internet, instead of tucked away on the tundra, unable to provide you the thoughtful, detailed post you clearly deserve.

Let’s dive right in. I gave you this guy.

And we got a fair sampling of wrong answers, including:

• Ben Kingsley
• Barack Obama. Or that old guy from The Sopranos.
• Kareem Abdul Jabar.
• Jason Stratham.
• Tim Howard
• James Carville on his way down

I also appreciated whoever said, “I don’t know. But I’m scared of him.”

And I’d like to give a special prize to whichever of you said, “A post office flier guy? wanted for Sad Staring?”

But he who said this, said it best “This guy is John Malcovich.”

To which I say, indeed. And thank you.

I have always wondered if Matthew Draws would cease to be interesting if my drawing improved to a level at which I could consistently create a convincing likeness. Clearly, I’m not all the way there. But almost every one of you correctly guessed the following person.

In fact, only two of you guessed wrong. And those guesses were entirely reasonable ones.

• Diane Sawyer
• Hilary Clinton

No one mistook her gender or race. Not even a little. What almost all of you knew (and some with surprising confidence) is that this is none other than Martha Stewart.

• Martha Stewart. Clearly, after doing time…boy she aged.
• Martha Stewart! (Yeesh – is she wearing a scarf or is that her neck?)
• Martha Stewart! Now I must go bake a cake.
• Spot on, this is clearly Martha Stewart!! But does she have a mess of decoupage glue on her neck? I think she is smiling broadly because she is glad to be out of the slammer, where orange was the new pale turquoise.
•  Martha Stewart. Obviously (a word one cannot apply to Matthew Draws w/o serious chutzpah & laughaby misplaced confidence).

But before I get too full of myself for my Martha success, let’s turn to this week’s “young and lovely.”

Yes, this is where my worries that I’m getting too skilled for this Matthew Draws nonsense crumble into tiny bits of shame. Suddenly the tables are turned and wrong answers are crashing down upon me like avalanche of insults.

Why don’t we review some of them?

• This one is some young singer that I don’t know anything about.
• Katy Perry? this is a wild guess…
• Lindsay Lohan
• I have no idea, but that tank top screams for Robbi’s pointy boob job.
• Widenose Mascaraeyes
• Another young thing I can’t identify.
• Tyranny banks
• Kristin Stewart
• Deer in headlights longface girl.
• Madonna
• Katy Perry???
• Uma Thurman (in “Kill Bill” immediately prior to her lopping off several of your limbs whose stumps will then cartoonishly spurt)

As for #4…

And here, mere moments after the near-perfection of my Martha and the near-shutout of my Mila, I am delighted (and somewhat worried) to announce the first-ever 100% correct answer result in the history of Matthew Draws. (At least I think this is the case. Perhaps those of you who pay better attention to these things will want to correct me if this has, in fact, happened before.)

I see no reason in delaying what is so obvious to you all. This is the one and only Stephen Colbert.

Though two of you chose to embellish a bit:

• Stephen Colbert…thinking about being naked.
• Stephen Colbert, looking serious, but in an uncharacteristically unironic manner

AS FOR THE BONUS QUESTION: Which of these folks is actually a cyborg from the future living among us to change the course of history? What is their plan? How will we know?

• It’s clearly number 3. Because I don’t know who it is. Which means that this person doesn’t really exist yet since we haven’t yet been to the future. But we will know that history is about to change once we get the answers to this week’s Matthew Draws and you reveal her to be an actual person, which means she has now arrived from the future and is ready to change the world.
• Obviously Martha Stewart has long been preparing Earth for alien colonization. She claims to be from Nutley NJ, but that is and always has been a load of hooey. It is high time we have an open dialog about this “elephant in the room” Martha…
• Whoever #1 is. He is the cyborg. He is taking things way too seriously, must be plotting something.
• Ben Kingsley. He wants to make us Sexy Beasts. His plan is flattery, “I love you, Gal. You’re lovable. Big lovable bloke. Loveable lump. Loveable lummox. Gal Dove, party boy. Big oaf.” It’s brilliant really, as his agenda is oddly world peace.
• Stephen Hawking, clearly. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re racist against the disabled for calling him a cyborg.
• Colbert. Cuz he’s awesome.
• Colbert. Cyborgs from the future have the telltale bent ear. Did you know?
• Stephen colbert is already changing the course of history, so why not just call a cyborg a cyborg.
• Martha Stewart is planning world domination via gardening tools. We will know when her head starts spinning.
• Steven Colbert… His plan is to mock Bill O’Reilly until he and his similarly toxic buddies see the error of their ways and start behaving like human beings with hearts and souls… when that happens, the unicorns will return and we’ll all sleep better at night.
• Martha Stewart, whose mission will be complete when emotions have been eliminated from the human experience & the place settings for EVERY meal will feature natural materials spraypainted & artfully arranged by the hostess