I fully admit that this post is long overdue. For whatever reason, I always seem to stall when it comes to posting the answers to Matthew Draws. Perhaps it is my reluctance to openly admit how far off the mark my drawings inevitably were. Perhaps, by withholding the answers, I am able to cling for a stolen moment to the idea that I can actually draw.

But each time, if I stall long enough, grumbling begins from the readership, starting quietly, but gaining momentum and fury as days pass. In this case, the tipping point that propelled me into action was a comment from Peter E., who threatened to send me a Hawaiian pizza if I did not post the answers immediately. There is perhaps no more unholy and unnatural a combination of foodstuffs than ham and pineapple, and so, under threat of moral indignation and intestinal distress, I submit to you the answers to Matthew Draws VIII.

Of course, Robbi added a wrinkle this time around by jumping into the fray. I’ll show both of our drawings, then the not correct answers, followed by the true identity of our unwitting victim.

Mine:

Notable wrong guesses: Al Gore, Oliver North, Stephen Fry, Ronald Regan, Dan Rather, Dick Van Dyke, Dmitri Medvedev, Sam Donaldson, Keith Olberman.

Correct guesses: 10

Robbi’s:

Notable wrong answers: Jimmy Stewart, Barack Obama, Bing Crosby, Mr. Rogers.

Correct answers: 12

Winner: Robbi

John Boehner

Mine:

Notable wrong answers: Nancy Grace, Joan Rivers, Joan Rivers tripping on some hallucinogenic, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, “a well dressed cocaine addict,” Kathy Lee Gifford, Dr. Laura, Joan Collins, Phyllis Diller with zombie eyes, “one of the Muppets that gets its lifeforce sucked out in The Dark Crystal,” and Lady Pupils.

Correct answers: 5

Robbi’s:

Notable wrong answers: Barbara Walters, “that woman who looks sort of like Joan Rivers but isn’t,” and “not that bitch teacher from Glee?”

Correct answers: 15

Winner: Robbi

Nancy Pelosi

Mine:

Notable wrong answers: Carey Mulligan, Michelle Williams, Reese Witherspoon, Annette Benning, Joan Rivers, Charlize Theron, Gwyneth Paltrow, Leann Rimes, Nicole Kidman, Ashley Judd, Lady Gaga, the way Joan Rivers wishes she looked, Claire Danes, Hollywood tramp #L278-B6, and “a singer maybe?”

Correct answers: 4

Robbi’s:

Notable wrong answers: Jessica Biel, Cate Blanchett, Liv Tyler, Scarlett Johansson, January Jones, Pretty McSomeonestein, and “still not sure, but she looks awfully judgmental.”

Correct answers: 4

Winner: TIE

Taylor Swift

Mine:

Notable wrong answers:

Robert Downey, Jr., Alec Baldwin, Kenny “M-er F-in” Powers, George Clooney, Richard Pryor, Nicholas Cage, Ray Romano, “Gilbert Gottfried after he has been sick and hasn’t shaved,” Seth Green, Mel Gibson, Rip Torn, Bret Favre, Jeff Bridges, Brad Pitt, Benicio Del Toro, Anson Williams (aka Potsie), “good god!,” “that guy I met in Italy last year who was not Italian, and “Alec Baldwin, maybe Stephen, definitely not William.”

Correct answers: 0

Robbi’s:

Notable wrong answers: George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, “some professional athlete maybe,” “Anderson Cooper with a cowlick,” Owen Wilson, and Mel Gibson.

Correct answers: 12

Winner: Robbi

Jake Gyllenhall

My favorite part of Matthew Draws, bar none, is your response to the final “bonus” question.

My Bonus question: What is the weirdest drawing decision Matthew made in this group?

My favorite answers:

Those black void eyes on drawing 2. Why, Matthew Why?
Drawing all those teeth!
Leaving out Boehner’s tan.
#1’s chin, or goatee? So unclear.
Nothing could be weirder than those eyes, although contestant number one’s ear seems to be sliding down his neck.
The hair on #4 is pretty Mark Twain.
He made decisions?
To not include tears running down Boehner’s cheeks.
The stacked moustaches on the last guy.
The EYES! The EYES! (on #2, clearly)

Robbi’s bonus question: If you were Robbi, where would you hide your art school diploma?

My favorite answers:

Swaziland
Nowhere. I would be Awesome.
In a frame on the wall.
In the ocean.
Now Robbi. Take some pride and hang it prominently in your office. Just make sure you don’t invite Taylor Swift over.
On the backside of a doodle.
On my forehead, for the world to see.
On the cat tower, where Alden can guard it.
Is it not already being used as cheekbone implants on #4?
In the litter box.
No! Robbi is great!

And there you have it. The final line above is is an apt distillation of the sad referendum of this tortured joint exercise.

Final Tally:

Robbi: 3-0-1
Matthew: 0-3-1

Conclusion: Robbi is barred from future participation in Matthew Draws.

Peter: keep that damned Hawaiian pizza away from me.