First off, my apologies if you came here expecting to see Matthew Draws today. We are having technical difficulties. Actually, that’s not quite accurate. The survey site that has been hosting Matthew Draws for several years now suddenly decided to charge a premium for the honor of doing so. Which means we are on the hunt for a new survey site. Stay tuned. Instead of awful drawings, today we will bring you the heart-wrenching photodocumentary as my first day as a mother.

Read on.

For six years and six weeks or so, I have been a dad. I have changed diapers, wiped noses, and watched the miracle of birth.

But I have never, not for one second, been a mom. 

Until today.

Today, circumstances dictated that I change teams for an hour or so. It was the Mother’s Day Tea at Friendship Montessori School, a special day when moms come and hang out with their kids for a few hours at school. Our problem was an unfavorable mom-to-kid ratio.

We have three small children, shown below…

…but only one mom. 

There are two rooms at FMS. Alden and Kato are both in the Primary classroom, which means they would be able to share Robbi.

August, however, is in the Pre-Primary classroom, which meant that he would be motherless.

This would not do. And so, after taking a few deep breaths and considering the alternatives, I decided to be his mother from roughly 10:00am-noon yesterday.

I think he was pleased with the idea.

We two mothers showed up, as requested, a few minutes before 10:00. We were excited, of course.

But I was also nervous. After all, I’d never been a mother before. What do mothers do? I wondered, as I approached the door.

The moment I arrived, August made a beeline for me. “Papa!” he said, totally blowing my cover.

He showed me the necklace he had made for his mother.

And then promptly put it around my neck.

I’m not sure which one of us was more confused. 

A few minutes later, August was asked to do his job for the day, which was to turn off the lights to signal the beginning of circle time.

Circle time involved the rolling of a ball from child to child. As each child received the ball, he or she was asked to say the name of his or her mother and his or her mother’s favorite color.

The name of August’s mother? “Papa.”

His mother’s favorite color? “Blue.”

Which was news to me.

Next up was singing and dancing. The children had been practicing two songs.

And no small degree of silliness.

Next, we took our places at the table, just the two of us.

One by one, the children went to the table to prepare a plate of food for their moms.

And yet, he brought it to me.

I was extremely glad that Robbi was not present to claim her rightful meal.

While I was admiring my kid-decorated cupcake, Augie fetched my tea.

It was, in a word, delicious.

Moments later (before I had a chance to eat August’s mom’s cupcake, I will add), Robbi showed up for a real-mom cameo and I was banished to the coat closet.

Actually, I was banished to the kid bathroom with its extremely low sinks.

After washing up, I watched from the window as Robbi and the other moms did their mom thing. I took careful notes, so that I will be better able to step in the next time I am called upon to wear the mom pants.

A few minutes later, I saw a familiar pair of eyes at the window. Someone had sniffed me out, the interloping dad, conspicuous in the sea of moms. We had a secret hug and I sent her back into the fray.

  

In retrospect, I consider my first day of motherhood a roaring success. August was not left to feel motherless, and I did not step on anyone else’s children.

That’s what being a mom is all about, right?