![Haircut]()
by Matthew | Sep 19, 2011 | Kato, Kids, Life
Kato’s hair was out of control.
So Robbi took matters into her own hands.
Ever the perfectionist, Kato kept careful tabs on the progress.
Robbi is a self-made barber. For the most part, she does well. But I cannot lie. Occasionally mistakes are made.
Nothing that can’t be cured by a lollipop, though.
Not twenty minutes later, the boy was transformed, looking suddenly older and more confident.
And apparently, in need of glasses.
And ready to sing?
I’m trying to encourage Robbi to open her own salon, one that hands out lollipops whenever a client starts to cry. But Robbi is pretty sure there aren’t enough lollipops in the world to make it a viable business plan.
![And Haircuts for All]()
by Robbi | Feb 26, 2011 | Alden, Kato, Kids, Life
One of my dearest friends from growing up in Chestertown returned this week for a visit. I would post a picture here, but I was so excited to see him that I totally forgot to take any. Sorry, world.
Anyway – Gunther is a hair stylist. I am a miserable keeper of hair. He saw the state of my hair, and demanded that he be allowed to intercede. Matthew snapped pics at the Dunkin’ Donuts before I was put under the blades.
I had no idea how shaggy it was looking back there. One of the benefits of having very few mirrors in the house. (Though, to be honest, even if all of our walls were painted in mirrors, I still probably wouldn’t have known. I make a terrible terrible girl. Sturdy tomboy roots. That’s the problem.)
Anyway. 45 minutes, some fancy product, a flat-iron and a lot of catching up later, Gunther had tamed the mane.
Matthew rushed to take the photos before I could mess it up.
But I was inspired. For the first time, I looked around at my family and noticed the abysmal state of their hair.
Alden has always had a champion head of hair, but lately it’s really gotten out of control. She spends most of the day swiping it out of her eyes, which we sometimes remedy with pigtails. Unfortunately, pigtails require the sort of attentiveness that this mom doesn’t always have, so she often goes without. She is not happy about this.
Kato, on the other hand, has a feeble head of hair that no one would really envy. It is long and wispy and rather unflattering.
Neither of them had ever had a haircut before, so I was prepared for the worst.
Kato, being a generally laid-back dude, was totally agreeable to the task at hand.
Not a peep. Not a protest. Just affable as can be.
Alden, on the other hand, started out irritated by my clumsy efforts to put her bangs into pigtails (saving the first curls for posterity).
She handled the actual cutting of the hair without much trouble:
But when she found out I was just going to spray her bangs wet to even them out instead of letting her take a shower, she got mad.
You never know what’s going to tip that kid off the deep end. But she suffered the indignity pretty well, and was back in form for the “After” photo shoot.
As was Kato.
We celebrated with a strawberry picnic on the living room floor.
Now that that’s done, I just have to convince Matthew to shave, so that we can all look sort of put together for just one day. It would be a miracle.
p.s. for those of you worried about Alden’s curls, I didn’t touch the back of her head. It is still an amazing nest.
p.p.s. for those of you worried about Alden’s bad attitude, rest assured that it remains intact. The photo shoot ended like this:
by Matthew | Dec 12, 2014 | Matthew Draws
Yes, these results are very late. Sorry, Veronica. Sorry, Don. If any of the rest of you are paying enough attention to be cross with me, I apologize to you, too. But let’s move past the contrition, shall we, so that we can move forward to the task at hand?
I drew this lovely.
And you bold people threw guesses my way. Most of you were bold and wrong.
- Virginia Slim, clearly
- Kathy Griffin
- Cher after a tough night in Vegas. Though, aren’t they all?
- Janeane Garafolo
- Joni Mitchell
- Bette Midler
- I didn’t know Minnie Driver was a smoker.
But two of you were bold and right!
- Shelley Duval
- Shelley Duvall!!!!!
Next up, this magnificent specimen.
Some of you seemed confident.
- How can one mistake the soulless stare of Hitchcock? Unless it’s yet another dried up football player with no neck.
Some of you were paranoid.
- Is that me? That better not be me.
Some of you were just plain wrong.
- Jackie Gleason
- Christopher Hitchens
- Rob Ford
And some of you made me laugh.
- John Boehner’s chinny older brother.
- Either some famous priest (is there such a thing?) or Julia Child after getting a disappointing haircut.
A few of you blazed rigth through the error and mishap and got it right.
Chris Christie
It seems that once every Matthew Draws, as if adhering to a quota, I stumble so profoundly that I venture into the realm of moral offense. I preemptively apologize to the unwitting victim represented below and hope that she and history will forgive the unintended offense.
In spite of having no reasonable clues, you brave people tried. You really tried.
But, boy oh boy, were you not on the same page:
- Dude looks like a lady? Steven Tyler.
- Jessica Alba?
That two members of the same human species could look at my drawing and reach conclusions as distant as Steven Tyler and Jessica Alba is troubling.
But there were other ports of call on this tour of flailing guesses.
- I feel like this one is drawn in 3-D, with the mouth popping out at me. In a scary, scary way. Julia Roberts? She has a horse mouth.
- Tina Turner
- I’m torn. There’s something about this that suggests woman, but everything else suggests the lead singer of Twisted Sister.
- Sandra Bernhard
- Bette Midler
- The lips say Donatella Versace but the hair says someone else.
Someone else, indeed. And none other than the esteemed and “deserves far better than to be drawn this way by me” Oprah Winfrey.
Occasionally, I harness something—a mood or angle or collection of visual clues—that builds a clear and sturdy bridge between me and the lot of you. And the drawing below was one of those times.
One of you guessed Chris Hemsworth.
One of you thought you had it but then changed your mind mid-guess:
- James Dean with a small cloud of fruit flies around his mouth. OH it’s that guy from Twilight!
The rest of you got it right. And a few of you even gave me exclamation points.
- Bless. James Dean!
- James Dean! Nice!
One thing I’ll say about the loyal fans of Matthew Draws. When I tap elusive success, you people are there to encourage me. I do so appreciate it.
Which brings us to the bonus question:
If you had to find yourself in a hot tub with one of these people, who would it be and why? Fair answers also may include inclusion by omission (i.e. I would NOT want to be in the tub with “Teeth”, “Chin” or “Hair” because X, and therefore I guess my answer is “Smirk”).
More so than usual, there was a pattern in the guesses. James Dean took the prize in a landslide:
- Definitely NOT Hitchcock. I want nothing to do with him and any kind of enclosure with water.
- James Dean – assuming there were a time machine and he were alive. Not his corpse. Because, alive, James Dean was sexy and bisexual. Score one for me!
- James Dean – that cutie!
- #4 because hunky is hunky… Also Shelley Duvall probably has some good stories and seems nice, so I’d be welcome some hot tub time with her too…
- James Dean! Also, everyone else is gross!
- clearly Rob Ford has the most fun of the group
- Dean. Obviously.
- The last one, I’d be least likely to attempt to drown him.
Though, I’d argue that James Dean would have won this straw poll even had I drawn all these folks masterfully. But I guess we’ll never know if that’s the case.
I’m going to spend the rest of the day feeling guilty about Oprah. And then I’ll dust myself off and get back to my drawing. If you have any requests for people you’d like to see me savage with my Uniball, please drop a line. Otherwise, check back next Friday for more of the same.
![Matthew Draws 33 – The Answers]()
by Robbi | Aug 29, 2014 | Matthew Draws
I will not bore you with preamble. Let’s do this.
To start:
You people were wrong, wrong, wrong. And, yes, I freely admit that the fault is mostly mine.
Here’s who you thought I was trying to draw:
- Mikey (The Life Cereal kid)
- Oh god, that hair and face. So disturbed.
- I just can’t . . .
- Male? Female? Chef? Serial Killer who uses a spoon?
- Jay Leno about to get seriously freaky with some silverware
- One of the witches from A WRINKLE IN TIME. What, I am wrong?
- Joan Cusack with a bowl cut (and accompanying spoon)
- Reese Witherspoon
- A Keebler elf who turned into a serial killer. Yikes.
- John Cleese
- Jay Leno on Celebrity Chopped? The chin gave it away.
- Is that a bib? Some evil toddler. Probably one I see in my clinic. Looks like he wants to hit me with that spoon . . .
- Jim Carrey
- Wolfgang Puck
- Peter Pudding Pilferer
- Michael McDonald as Stuart
- Gordon Ramsey?
- Oh my! You are mastering the art of expressive lines, facial expressions, or something like that! Not a clue. Some sort of cooking show host. I don’t watch TV.
- Ben, or maybe Jerry. Blended with a pedophile.
- Jim Carrey and his exceedingly dumb haircut in Dumb and Dumber
As I said, a whole bowl full of folly. But one of you saw through my failure to the underlying truth. One of you guessed Amelie.
Also known as Audrey Tautou, who is, perhaps, the second most beautiful woman I’m aware of (not that you’d be able to detect how I feel from looking at my drawing).
My next subject is not a beautiful woman. But us see if you were able to tell which beautiful woman he isn’t.
This time, five of you guessed correctly. Which means the rest of you did not.
- John Cleese
- George LOONEY?! GET IT?!?!?
- Remak Ramsay
- My next door neighbor, Cal? He is awesome and makes the best homemade ice cream!
- John Cleese, or that guy from BLADERUNNER
- Yikes. IDK – some Mexican?
- John Cleese?
- Still John Cleese, just older
- Virgil Barnes, physics professor at Purdue University. Amazing how you captured his likeness without ever seeing him!
- Ray Liota
- John Cleese was my first instinct, but contemplating the craziness of the eyes, I’d go Joaquin Phoenix. If pressed, A Fish Called Wanda-era John Cleese.
- Bryan Cranston
- Mel Gibson, because he’s crazy.
- John C. Reilly.
- Alan Alda’s second tent-mate/BFF on M*A*S*H. Was that BJ Hunnicutt?
- Tom Hanks in Castaway if he had been washed up with a bunch of razors from Dollar Shave Club. But for some reason couldn’t shave his mustache.
But those of you in my quintet of success correctly identified this chap as William H. Macy.
Believe it or not, the following fellow is extremely handsome in real life.
Just not in the version of life that consists of people who were drawn by me.
This guy is not:
- A man with a face.
- I’m all out . . . can’t even guess
- Mike Wallace
- Anthony Bourdain
- Mel Gibson
- Alec Baldwin
- Donald Sutherland or that other guy with white hair who’s in those TV shows all the time.
- I want to say Bruce Willis, but I know whoever this dude is would kick my ass for saying that.
- I think that might be my Dad, actually . . .
- This has to be Lou Ferrigno. Not pumped up.
- As much as it pains me, I’m thinking Clooney: stubble, laugh lines around the eyes, deep-set eyes. But it’s no a version of him I’d ever want to meet.
- Javier Barden
- David Bautista
- Anthony Bourdain in 20 yrs
- Anthony Bourdain
- Anthony Bordain
- George Clooney after pretending to be on a bender.
- IS THAT MY EX-BOYFRIEND???
- Javier Bardem or that guy who played Frankenstein
- Humphrey Bogart? or Sad George Clooney?
Ok, I led you astray. A few of you correctly identified this guy as none other but George Clooney, though I must admit that the Anthony Bourdain guess was a pretty reasonable one.
I am particularly proud of this last drawing. As soon as I finished it, I ran over to Robbi, who told me that I’d done a great job and that she could tell right away that I’d drawn James Van Der Beek.
I did not draw, James Van Der Beek, and I told her so. With some disgust, I might add. Not only was this drawing the spitting image of my subject, I told her, but furthermore, any serious fan of Matthew Draws knows that I always draw two women and two men, and the two male slots were already taken by William H. Macy and George Clooney.
Robbi insisted that I must be mistaken, that the Van Der Beek likeness was too compelling to be a mistake, that my only error had been forgetting who I was trying to draw in the first place.
I was livid, of course, but if you have ever been in an argument with Robbi, you know that you do not win. And so I did not press the point.
I tell you this to let you know how delighted I am that not one of you (save Robbi) thought I had drawn James Van Der Beek. And that almost ALL of you correctly identified my subject.
Those guesses who failed to hit the mark include:
- Hmmmmmm….
- I just can’t even.
- Ellen Degeneres on the worst day of her life
- Vanessa Redgrave
- Ellen Degeneres with sad face.
- A very dismayed Uma Thurman
- Susan Boyle.
- Dawson’s Creek der Beek!
- I don’t know who you are, but you look so sad and pathetic that I kind of want to slap you.
I would really advise against the slapping. What you interpreted as a look of “sadness” was, in fact, a look of “come one step closer and I will rip our eyeballs out with my little finger.”
Because, as almost all of you guessed, I was trying to draw Glenn Close, or, as one of you wrote, “Glenn Close Up,” or, better yet, “Glenn Close, made of wax and put too close to the heat.”
If you haven’t yet watched Damages, do it. The woman gives me nightmares.
As for the bonus question, If one of these people was one of your “Five People You Meet In Heaven” which one would it be and why?
- Cleese. Obviously.
- I mean any of these freaks could potentially be there, heaven seems super weird and boring.
- William H. Macy b/c he’s awesome in everything.
- #4 because he/she really needs a hug
- Well, if it the WRINKLE IN TIME witch, then I will have to recalculate my entire worldview . . .
- William H. Macy, because, well, Fargo!
- William Macy . . . cuz he strikes me as the more spiritually evolved of the bunch…
- I can’t tell you. It would violate my restraining order.
- This is a tricky one, given the cast of characters above. John Cleese all the way.
- My Dad. I’d definitely rather see him instead of John Cleese (twice) or Glenn Close.
- Are you kidding? The Freaking Incredible Hulk. I used to play pretend wedding with the plastic bust bank I had of him when I was a wee lass. My dog officiated. Did I say that out loud?
- Ummmm . . . none of the above, please?!?
- Glen Close, cuz if I don’t pick her she’ll boil my pets.
- Who says I’m going to Heaven?
- Bourdain, maybe he’d cook for me.
- God help me please none of them
- I don’t think any of them are getting into heaven. They pretty much all look like sociopaths. Sorry, Tom Hanks.
- Thank you, I choose hell.
That’s all, folks. It’s time for me to go to bed. I have a carful of junk and a date with the town dump at 8:00 sharp. You didn’t need to know that of course. You might not have even wanted to know it. But Matthew Draws is all about honesty, airing the dirty laundry so to speak. It’s what brings us together you and me. Thanks for guessing, for closing the circle, for letting this lark live on to see another day.
See you on Friday.
![Various Pictures with Kids]()
by Matthew | Jun 9, 2014 | Alden, August, Kato, Kids, Life
I have a number of big, important posts to write—about a conference at which we’ll be speaking in Salt Lake City next week, about the latest Idiots’Book, going out today, and about the brand-new Bobbledy album which landed in mailboxes all over the country last weekend. But I am pressed for time this morning and so will leave you with various photos of children instead.
Which is the real reason most of you come here in the first place.
To start, a moment of great happiness and also some bittersweet tears. Each morning at Friendship Montessori School, the kindergartners sit at a little desk and write a sentence (written on a piece of paper taped to the wall) in their journals. Here is the one from last Friday, which was Alden’s very last day of FMS.
Alden, who is young and excited about everything, had no idea that an era was ending, that she may never again be in a classroom with teachers so completely focused on her personal development and learning, so completely full of love.
We spent Saturday afternoon at the community pool, where August did his best impression of a linebacker. The water was not warm, but plenty warm enough for a few hours of splashing. If you live in the area and have never been to our community pool, you’re missing out. We’re so lucky to have such a nice facility.
After drying off, we drove over the bridge to spend some time with my college roommate Christian and his family.
Christian, who clearly loves his daughter Iris more than I love mine, was good enough to secure an Elsa dress (from the movie Frozen, for those of you without small people).
So you know, Alden doesn’t ALWAYS smile like the world is about to end: just when wearing Elsa dresses or while not realizing that she is about to leave a nearly perfect pedagogical environment for the great unknown of first grade elsewhere.
We served pizza to our far-too-many children.
Iris, being slightly larger than Alden, had just outgrown her bike. The outgrown model was the perfect size for Alden, who promptly rode it up the sidewalk…
…and back down again.
Alden, who has been wearing second-hand clothes her entire life, took zero objection to her hand-me-down bicycle.
Kato took a spin on the Razor scooter.
It suited his attitude and overgrown haircut perfectly, I think.
When the kids tired of rolling about, we blew bubbles.
Before attempting to answer the question of how many children you can fit inside a small plastic car.
Apparently, the answer is at least as high as six.
Before we headed home, August and Milo did a light show for us.
We posed a group shot on the steps, but August was distressed. At first we couldn’t figure out what was bothering him.
But then we realized: we were missing a kid!
Kato was located and added to the top of the pyramid.
Christian and I have been busy since college, apparently.
Last night was the end of year party for our beloved Friendship Montessori School. Families gathered for pot-luck and recognition of the kids and teachers.
The primary (older kids) class sang us a song.
And each of our small people got a certificate and a few kind words.
August got props for “always responding with NO even when shaking his head YES.”
That’s my boy.
Kato was praised for “making a special trip to the bathroom if the need to say potty words becomes too overwhelming.”
Ah, a father’s heart swells with pride.
I was too busy taking a video of Alden getting her certificate to remember to take a photo, but, according to her teachers, “she is enthusiastic about life, she admires the efforts and achievements of others, and she never loses patience or her sense of humor.”
Brings a smile to this face, it does.
My little girl, done with kindergarten, eager as can be for elementary school.
We have this whole summer thing to get through first. More on that to come.
