I’m trying to figure it out.
Taking as a given that we have 540 square feet of floor space in the living area of the Barn and considering that we are adding approximately 3.6 square feet of garish plastic child-associated miscellany per week (by my rough calculations) via gifts and general accumulation, then it stands to reason that our entire floor will be covered with colorful, noise-making plastic objects in exactly 2.88 years. Even if my math is wrong, the general concept holds. We are living an untenable situation. We are facing suffocation through accumulation.
The latest insult arrived in the mail yesterday via Target.com, a 3-in-1 riding monstrosity that was a birthday present for Kato from Grandpa John and Grandma Judy.
I have a dark fantasy of playing Reverse Santa, creeping into the living room one night after the kids have gone to sleep with a big burlap bag and taking half the toys away to hide in some glacial crag at the South Pole. I’m guessing that they would not be missed. And my daily end-of-day routine of shoveling up the molded plastic toddler debris could be cut from 30 minutes to as few as 15! Maybe then I’ll do an infomercial and educate all the other suffering parents out there!! And maybe I’ll eventually be elected King of the Misanthropes and my palace will be on a yet-undiscovered planet where there are no toys!!!
I guy can dream, can’t he?
Gather that stuff up, take some pics, and sell it on ebayclassifeds. Turn around and use your booty to purchase sinfully-expensive coffee. The kids will never know and you will be a better daddy for it.
Now you know how Dr. Seuss came up with the whole idea behind the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Dear Your Highness, I love your life, living in the Barn, and all that. Whatever you have to do to make that work, including resisting consumerism, I say, Just Do It. I think it’s fabulous. K and A are the luckiest kids in the world. What they have in their noggins far exceeds what they need in their toy chests. I curtsy to your Highnesses both!
Baaah, humbug.
And awesome whatever-that-wheely-thing is! Just look at Kato’s face! I say grandparents rule, and plastic can be cool!
I laughed as I stole iTunes gift cards from a 12 year old girl while playing Dirty Santa, so rest assured that you’ll never be king.