Hello friends. This is a post I do not want to write, because in so doing, I will have to so thoroughly reveal my utter inability to draw the ladies. I have been getting cocky these last few installments of Matthew Draws. I now realize that my relative success thus far has been entirely a function of Robbi’s taking it easy on me. This time, she decided to up the challenge. I tried. I really tried. But my failure was unambiguous. The calamity was absolute.

Let’s begin.

Here is my first subject:

I’m happy to say that four of you guessed correctly, which means that I must have captured some small part of the essence of this fine actor. It also means that almost all of you thought that I was drawing someone else. And there was no consensus about which someone else that might be. A few of my favorite wrong answers include: Gertrude Stein, Charles Dickens, Mickey Rourke after a bar fight (circa the 1980s), Don Draper after a really rough night, Incredible Hulk (smaller), Superman at 40, and the “before guy” in a “botox isn’t just for women” commercial.

In truth, this fellow is none other than Dustin Hoffman.

Moving on, then, to my second victim:

I’m sorry (though not at all surprised) to say that not a single one of you guessed correctly. As it turns out, I just can’t draw women. Can’t do it. Robbi thinks it’s because women’s faces are “plump and smooth and lacking contrast,” but I think she was just saying this to make me feel better. Which helps, because I feel terrible—TERRIBLE—about what I did to poor #2.

What’s even more remarkable is that not only did no one guess correctly, but no two guesses were even the same! I drew someone that looks like no one. Perhaps this is a marketable skill? (I just asked Robbi, and she confirmed that it is not.)

Some of my favorites for #2: that lady from that show, Sarah Jessica Parker’s Evil Twin, Lindsay Lohan (before the conviction), she looks Irish, “Facts of Life Girl…ya know, the butch one”, Lindsay Lohan in her innocent, gingham-collar days, and “ha. thing. leaning toward female.”

It pains me to admit that this was, in fact, meant to be a drawing of Paula Abdul:

On to #3 then:

#3 is the undisputed triumph of Matthew Draws VI. Though plenty of you got this one wrong, a full sixteen of you got it right. Sixteen! I am vindicated, if only for a moment.

Quite a few of you thought that this was Liberace, and I cannot fault you for it. There was also an Elvis theme (again, completely understandable) that included such answers as: James Dean impersonating Elvis, Bill Clinton dressed up as Elvis, Elvis – the Fat years, William Shatner as Elvis, Bill “Elvis” Clinton, and Elvis Limbaugh.

But no, friends, this is not Elvis. Neither is it Paul Revere, Tom Jones, or Napoleon.

Nope. It’s Evel Knievel.

Here’s where I’d like to stop this post, say how much fun Matthew Draws VI has been, thank you all for participating, and wish you all farewell. I really don’t want to have to admit who I was trying to draw when I drew this:

I was really disgusted with myself when I finished this drawing. I contemplated crumpling it up and trying again, but it is a hard and fast rule of Matthew Draws that I get one crack at it and that I have to post what I come up with.

I showed the drawing to Robbi (who had supplied the names) and even she had no idea who this was supposed to be.

Interestingly, we both decided that this drawing does (sort of) look like a famous actress (just not the one I was trying to draw):

In fact, four of you actually guessed Cate Blanchett, and if Robbi wasn’t looming over my shoulder berating me with her unyielding sense of moral rectitude, I might just pretend that I had intended to draw Cate Blanchett, and we’d be done with it. But the sad truth is, I was trying to draw someone else, someone none of you guessed.

You did guess the following: Farrah Fawcet from the grave!, one of the Arquettes, Juliette Lewis (and I’m worried about her boobs; I think the rib cage enhancement went wrong), the stripper from the club down the street before she got her braces (but after she got her implants), Chesty Larue, Kate Gosselin, Shawn White, and Courtney Love on a good day.

All good guesses. All completely reasonable speculations.

But no. In fact, subject number four was none other than Scarlett Johannson.

Side-by-side, if only to cement my shame:

If any of you knows Scarlett, I’d appreciate you not mentioning my drawing to her. I respect her acting chops and her decidedly unhorrible face, and I think it would be better if we all just forgot that this ever happened.

You might remember that Robbi posed the bonus question of which of these people you would marry “if you had to.”

I’d like to share a few with you:

The guy with the dark hair because I’m not really into star spangled jumpsuits.

Well, probably Isla Fisher, if that’s who #2 is. Unless Matthew knew that this question was coming, and intentionally drew Jennifer Garner to look like that, so that no one would want to marry her, so that he’d have her all to himself.

#3 (whoever he is…) – i like my men hairy

Let’s see…Charlie Sheen would beat me up for drug money and Lindsay Lohan would beat me up for drug money. So I’d have to go with Evel, I guess. I’d probably meet my end in some horrifically planned stunt, plus I guess I’d be married to a guy, but at least I’d get a sweet ride on that motorcycle. And that’s better than anything with the words Kate Gosselin in it…

Evil Kneivel – but he’s dead so I’m in the clear

I think I’ll stay single.

The poor woman who Matthew hates so much.

And there you have it, it seems I am a hater. How did it come to this? I used to be such a nice guy once, way back then, before I overstepped my bounds and tried to draw. Have I learned my lesson?

I have not. Until next time…