Hello, Friends! It’s the Friday following a Monday on which I insulted you with awful art. Which means I have the pleasure of insulting you further by revealing that your guessing skills are just as flawed as my drawing skills.

You want to grab a cup of coffee before we get started.

Here’s drawing #1. No one got it right. I would have been stunned if someone had.

She is not Carmen Electra. Not Fergie. Not Kate Hudson. Neither Kim Kardashian nor Leann Rimes nor Madonna nor Nancy Kerrigan. Not Raquel Welsh. Not Taylor Swift. Not Brooke Shields after a bad day at the dermatologist’s office. 

As far as I’m concerned, the best guess was “Yikes! I have no idea.”

By now you know, as her telltale eyes have crept up the bottom of your screen, that Tori Spelling is probably in the process of filing an anti-defamation lawsuit against yours truly.

Moving on, then. Here’s #2.

Spoiler alert: Nobody guessed correctly.

He is not Bryan Cranston. Not David Letterman. Not George W. Bush. Not Larry Hagman, Walter White, Ryan Seacrest, John Boehner. Not “That Breaking Bad guy while he still had hair.” Not Tom Hanks. Not “Tom Hanks after smoking three joints.”

Not “a US senator.”

Maybe the most correct guess was “That guy who’s always on TV shows whose real name no one knows.”

But I say “most” correct, because EVERYONE knows the name of immortal child doctor Doogie Howser, or the handsome chap who plays him on TV.

Sorry Neil Patrick Harris. I did my best. I really, really did.

#3. No one got it right. At this point, I’m feeling the perverse pride of almost total failure. I tremble as I anticipate the possibility of a complete shutout. Never in the history of Matthew Draws has it happened that not one person identified any of my drawings.

To honor the noble guesses of those of you who tried, this fine lady is not Ann Coulter, Cate Blanchett, Hillary Swank, Jenny McCarthy, Melissa Rivers, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sarah Silverman, or Barbara Walters.

Not “That crazy woman who got so much plastic surgery she looks like a tiger (the one who ended up that way by accident, not the one who ended up that way on purpose).”

I think the most credit goes to those of you who refused to dignify my drawing with a proper guess, as in, “Ummm…nope.” 

But, of course, I’ll win the invisible, no-cash-value prize to this person, who tried flattery (and succeeded!): “Seriously, I don’t know. I really suck at this contest. Matthew’s drawings are excellent, but I suck.” Whoever you are, an army of medical doctors are en route to your house to test you for insanity or worse.

No. The venerable news anchor I had been trying to depict is none other than Diane Sawyer, who has not only joined Tori Spelling’s lawsuit, but has also hired a beefy thug to break my kneecaps.

The moment of truth has arrived. Will anyone correctly identify #4? I can’t decide which outcome I prefer.

I just checked. I have just endured the ultimate failure. Which is, of course, the ultimate triumph. Matthew Draws has broken new ground. I have, in spite of trying my hardest, stumped you all. Which is to say, no one guessed #4 correctly, either.

You people deserve better. And yet…

This fellow is not Bruce Willis, Rocky Balboa, the Iron Chef or “slightly worried Rambo.”

Not “Chuck Norris after a close shave of horrid goatee and nose augmentation surgery.”

Not “a wonky eyed Stallone.”

Not “that guy who lost to the Karate Kid.”

A few of you got so close. So. Very. Close. But he is not Andre Aggasi, Roger Federer, or John MacEnroe.

He is, perhaps “that tennis player.” So close.

But we are sticklers, in Matthew Draws, for actual names of actual people. People whose identities need to be preserved, even as their likenesses are crudely besmirched.

Sorry, Rafael Nadal. You’ll always be #1 to me.