I had not appreciated until now that this is the 25th installment of Matthew Draws, which means that I have drawn 100 people. It feels like a sort of milestone, and yet, as I look back on the early days, I’m struck by the fact that I used to draw better than I do now. Somehow, in the course of continuing this march, I have actually gotten worse. But perhaps these things are cyclical. Perhaps I am on the verge of a new upswing.

All I can say is that it hasn’t happened yet, as evidenced by your earnest failures at guessing the identity of this week’s subjects.

Let’s start with this one.

I seem to have succeeded in conveying the racial identity (and gender, thank god) of this person, as guesses followed a certain theme.

Alas, this is not Bryant Gumbel, OJ Simpson, Ben Vereen, Barack Obama, Bill Cosby, Ken Griffey, Jr., or Pharrell Williams. 

Mike Tyson was another popular wrong answer, as was Jay Z.

Several of you did not guess the correct racial background of said person, suggesting that he might be Gilbert Gotfried or “A-Rod, that cock.”

And one of you, I’m ashamed to admit, thought I’d drawn a woman (albiet a black one) in Robin Roberts. 

But one of you, yes one of you, correctly identified this handsome gentleman as Denzel Washington.

Next up…

I actually think I did pretty well with this one, other than the forehead, which I simply forgot to draw.

This must be the primary reason that so many of you struggled so mightily.

Alas, this is not Chloe Sevigny, Katy Perry, Ava Gardner, Angelina Jolie, Joan Crawford (or maybe Madonna), or Kate Winslet.

Not “Scarlett Johansson after Dr. Frankenstein works his magic”

Not “Hippolyta (from A Midsummer Night’s Dream)”

Not “Lady Gaga (side note: given Lady Gaga’s vast repertoire of costumes, this answer can never be wrong)”

No, no, and no.

But, actually, almost half of you correctly identified this person (in spite of the missing forehead) as Gwen Stefani. 

Or, as one of you said, “The singer from No Doubt, no doubt! (with part of her head caved in)”

I’ll start by admitting that none of you got it right. And why should you have? I did nothing to help. First off, the nose is a travesty. Second, the accent lines spreading downward from the nose and upward from the tips of her smiling lips betrayed me. Instead of providing helpful clues about facial structure, they conspired to turn a beautiful woman into a kind of twisted ghoul.

Really, the person who should be most offended are those you offered up as guesses. An accounting of these blighted souls follows:

• Maggie Gyllenhall after a bout of syphilis and chain smoking for 30 years.
• Mrs. Piranha Mouth
• Wow.
• Barbara Walters
• Kathleen Turner
• Joan Rivers
• A Tranny Jessica Biehl lookalike?
• Monica Lewinski, post-1996
• Mary-Kate Olsen (not Ashley.)
• We have zero ideas here.
• Robert DeNiro
• Ummmm. Cameron Diaz?
• Minnie Driver
• Barbra?
• Catherine Zeta Jones
• How about Kirstie Alley?

How about Kirstie Alley, I say.

I will say this: sometimes my worst drawings elicit the best responses. I love these for their mixture of bemused speculation and justifiable scorn.

My favorite guess of all might be “Barbra.” I want to know if the person who wrote that simply lost steam between the first name and the last or whether he or she was attempting to protect the innocent by not giving the entire name. But I want to know: was it Barbara Walters? Barbara Streisand? Barbara Bush?

Regardless, the guess would not have been correct. As I said before, all of you were wrong.

But no one more wrong than me in my foolish, misguided attempt to try to draw Queen Latifah.

Looking back on these drawings, I wonder if I was trying to compensate for the lack of forehead I offered to Gwen Stefani by being especially generous to my next subject (according to the transitive property of forehead allotment).

I must say that I’m a little bit disappointed in all of you, as I feel I captured something essential in this person. I actually consider this one of my more successful drawings of late, but none of you saw fit to dignify that assumption with a correct answer.

Perhaps you are trying to spite me?

To me, it seems quite obvious that this is not:

• Elijah Wood, with his face sliding off in the midday sun.
• Probably a dwarf.
• The nasally voiced guy from Welcome Back Kotter
• Chazz Palminteri, but I know it isn’t Chazz Palminteri…I just can’t think of the other guy’s name.
• Joe Pesci
• He’s vaguely familiar, but I can’t wager a guess because I’m distracted by the phallic symbol that is his nose.
• Monica Lewinsky, pre-1996
• John McEnroe
• The Situation (altho it’s hard to tell w/o seeing his abs)
• Not sure…
• Bradley Cooper
• That lip is familiar but I still don’t know
• I don’t know, but for some reason, i feel sorry for him and his phallic nose
• Quentin Tarantino.

I award the “moral victory” honors to the person who guessed “that lip is familiar,” because, of course, it is the only thing about the drawing that really captures the spirit of the actual subject.

I had never noticed the strange little mouth of Robin Williams until I had to draw it.

And now for the the bonus question:

If you could take one of these fine folks on a booze cruise, which one would it be and why?

• Totally #3, who looks like she just got back from a booze cruise.
• Mrs. Piranha Mouth, so I could push her over the edge of the boat and set her free.
• Good Lord, obviously Jay Z.
• Definitely Barbara Walters because she’s got secrets to spill once she hits the sauce.
• Ben Vereen because he’d probably get a dance party started.
• Bill Cosby = Jello Shots!  Duh.
• Monica Lewinski post-1996. Can you imagine the secrets she knows?!?! First question(s), where did you take that dress to get dry-cleaned, and how many questions did THEY ask? Second questions, can you pass the Arbor Mist, Monica? I’d appreciate it if you shared.
• Denzel Washington, because he’s dreamy (in real life. Not in your drawing.)
• Joe Pesci. Because he’s funny. Like a clown. As in, he amuses us.
• #2, since I could rest multiple cocktails & hors d’ouevres atop her pool-table-flat noggin
• None of them, as they all look pretty well sauced already.
• Bradley Cooper (he’s dreamy)
• Totally with Hippolyta because she’d bring the Amazons with her – who doesn’t love girl power? And maybe the rest of the cast.
• Definitely #3. I’m pretty sure I guessed wrong, but she knows how to have a good time and I feel like she loves the word, “fabulous”.
• Contestant #1. He looks like the partying type.

And that, as they say, is a wrap. Considering this week’s efforts in light of Matthew Draws’ past, I’d have to give myself a failing grade. Only flat-head Gwen Stefani rang a critical mass of recognition bells. And yet, I feel a certain (rapidly dwindling pride) in my drawing of Robin Williams.

Indeed, I am not yet defeated. I feel that 25 more Matthew Draws still dwell within me. And maybe more.

Celebrities beware.